Paliwanag

Bakit? tanong mo. 

Maging ako ay hindi alam. Ewan ko. May mga ginagawa ka kasi, mga non-verbal na nababasa ko sa ibang perspective. Kapag inoobserbahan naman kita kapag kasama mo ang ibang tao, parang sa pakiwari ko ay hindi ka naman ganoon sa kanina. Iba ka makitungo sa kanila at iba ka rin sa akin. Marahil nga pinagpapalagay ko na dahil may nabuo ng foundation of friendship kaya naging at ease tayo sa isa’t isa, isama pa doon ang katotohanan na pareho tayong malaya sa maraming bagay. Walang hadlang. At dahil doon ay nabasag ang aking wall of vulnerability. Kaya siguro ganon. 

Sa tanong mong bakit, siguro ay dahil natakot ako na masanay sa iyong kabaitan. Dahil sa bawat araw na gumagawa ka ng kabaitan sa akin ay nabibigyan ko iyon ng ibang kahulugan. Siguro ay dahil natakot ako na baka ako ay mali. Na baka mali ang pagkabasa ko sa “implied messages”. Na baka wala naman talagang implied messages in the first place. Na ganon ka lang talaga. Gentleman, kind, generous. That your non-verbal gestures are just your mere show of your kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness, and sweetness. Na pinalaki ka lang talaga ng tama at mabuti ng mga magulang mo. Marahil ay natakot ako na mawala ang friendship na isa sa core values ko. 

Kaya ‘yun. Pinili ng utak ko na mag-iba ng perspective. Tutal dahil wala namang nangyayari, at baka nga mabait ka lang talaga. Sa isang banda, nakapanghihinayang. Nakakainis!!! mukhang kasalanan ko na naman ang lahat gaya ng mga ginawa ko na sa iba. Pero patuloy pa rin akong naniniwala na kahit anuman ang gawin kong iwas sa'yo if the stars will be aligned, and if the universe will conspire, magkikita't magkikita pa rin tayo. Magkakasama pa rin tayo. Magkaka-usap pa rin tayo. Kung mangyayari man ang pagsasabwatan ng langit at lupa ay wala na akong magagawa. Kung tayo, tayo. Hindi na natin kailangan na mag-exert ng too much effort. 


*Reditz, hay:-( ang iyo nga namang buhay pag-ibig. 

Late na ba ako?!?

                Bakit ganon kahit chocolate hindi na ako mapaligaya, kahit extra rice sa isang nakakagutom na araw, hindi na rin, kahit malamig na ice cream sa gitna ng October heat, kahit na chickenjoy na may kasamang extra gravy, kahit na paggamit ng malaking kutchara sa pagkain hindi na rin. Iniisip ko pa naman na ako ang tipo ng tao na madali lang mapaligaya, na sadyang mababaw lang ang kaligayahan, na kahit anumang bagay at pangyayari ay maiisipan ko ng dahilan upang aking ikaligaya. Pero, sadyang hindi.  

                       Bakit kaya?!? 

                  Dahil ba ikaw ang siya kong ligaya na sa bawat araw na ginawa ng Diyos ay unti-unti nang lumalayo sa akin. Ikaw nga ang ligaya ko na waring malamig na hangin na dumaan sa aking piling, masarap sa damdamin. Na waring isang hangin na unti unti nang napapalitan ng alinsangan, masakit na sa damdamin. Magkagayonpaman ay ngayon ay nananabik. Pilit na inaalala ang mga sandali na naging maligaya akong kasama ka. Pilit ko mang itanggi, pilit ko mang iwaksi sa puso at isip, sadyang hindi. Parang hindi makapantay ang tamis ng chocolate ang bigat sa tiyan ng extra rice, ang lamig na dulot ng ice cream, ang chickenjoy at extra gravy, maging ang malaking kutsara sa ligayang naidulot mo sa akin. Kagaya nga ng nasabi ko na, madali lang naman ako mapaligaya. Pareho nating alam na nadadala na agad ako  sa ating mga simpleng tawanan at biruan. Sapat na iyon. Ligaya na sa akin ang ating panaka-nakang diskusyunan at palitan ng kuro-kuro. Ngunit patuloy mo akong hindi pinagtitiwalaan at lumalayo na sa akin. Kaya wala nang saysay ang anumang tamis ng chocolate, ang anumang busog na dulot ng sarap ng chickenmeal kahit pa may gamit na malaking kutsara. Lahat ay mag-aanyong hangin na ang tanging layunin lamang ay buhayin ang aking katawang nananabik sa iyong piling. Walang kwenta ang buhay na walang ligaya. 

                      Late na ba ako?! Huli na ba upang itama ko ang mga nagawang pagkakamali sa iyo, sa atin. Pilit pa rin bang haharangin ng tadhana ang ating muling pagsasama. Hahayaan ko na lang ba mangyari ang lahat? Hahayaan mo na lang rin ba na mangyari ang lahat? Huli na ba para sa atin ang lahat?!?

No Other Woman

             I just finished watching with my roommates, Joyce and Joan of the movie, No Other Woman. Honestly, I really don't feel like watching the movie. As a litt major, I felt like I already knew the ending of the movie, considering that it is a Filipino made movie, I assumed it has a happy ending, which it did, which did not in any way surprised me at all. Of course, the title itself tells us of the revolving conflict of wife vs. mistress, and husband being that weak one submits to the "power" of the other woman. 

            Taking literature aside, personally, I realized that "real" men ought to be "matatag". I realized na ang mga lalaki lang na "matatag" ang may kakayahan na tunay na maging loyal sa kanilang partner. If men are weak, they can easily submit themselves to temptations, to lies, much more to sex, which led me to thinking that it is really hard to be a "real" men in this world. There are emotions he cannot show, much more had to hide from people. Sabi nga ng character ni Christopher de Leon  sa asawa niyang character ni Vilma Santos sa Dekada 70, "akala mo lang kayo lang mga babae ang nahihirapan, nahihirapan din kami, mahirap din maging lalaki, masyadong maraming mga emosyon na itinatago lang dito (sabay lagay ng palad sa puso niya)'. 
              What do I mean by "matatag"? Loyal is a man with a strong "matatag" moral principles. Hindi naman sa nagpapa-righteous, but loyal is a man who does not joke on women, marriage, fidelity, much more on love. Loyal is a man who can stand up with these moral principles. I guess, personal morality goes with genetics. How you were raised as a kid determines your known principles. Loyal is a man with a strong faith in his God. A man with a strong faith is a good man. He will not hurt his woman and himself. He will stand with the vow that he had uttered to his woman and to God and that marriage is not just a mere slip of his tongue. He will not submit into temptation. Man can be a risk taker, yes, but if he has strong faith, he will still end up choosing the right way. He will stay away from temptation for he knows that it will ruin everything, his life, his marriage, his love. Iiwas siya dahil alam niya na sa umpisa lang masaya ang paggawa ng kalokohan. 
                        Matatag ang isang lalaking hindi uhaw sa sex. Matatag ang isang lalaki, if he knows how to take care of his woman, and puts it into action, each and every day. Matatag ang isang lalaki, if he knows how to make her woman happy, and puts it into action and not the other way around. Sabi nga ni father, sa isang retreat na pinuntahan ko, sa isang "matatag na romantic relationship" ang kaligayahan dapat ng lalaki is to see his woman happy.    

                 

DRAWING

               Ever since I was a child, or should I say, since I entered school, I suddenly had that gut feel that I do not have the talent to draw. That it will never be my forte. What I could only do is to just put colors to already drawn objects. What is worst is that most of the time, the colors are unmatched with one another. Lines are crooked. Circles became oblongs. It's still a  great fascination for me how people can draw and they draw really good. I sometimes wondered how my classmates back then were able to think to color the hair yellow or the skin pink or flesh, when in fact what I know is that the hair is only black and the skin is brown. 

            I then came to see myself as a person who can draw  but had to put words to my drawings. My supposedly “drawings” should at least deserve an “explanation” of how and why I draw them through my words. I somehow realized that people might misinterpret my drawings. They might critic my drawings in a way that my drawings should not be dealt that way. My words in my drawings are my way of justification, since I cannot draw a good deal, I will write. 

        Since then, I barely and rarely draw. But, if I would, out of some unforeseen circumstances, I would really exert the effort, would try to do my best, that despite my supposed “undeveloped” multiple intelligence, will draw a masterpiece.

Then, I came to realize that drawing is really not my cup of tea. It is really not. I really cannot draw. People will never understand my drawings, therefore, I will not draw for people. And I came also to mystify those people who can draw, much more I salute those people who can draw abstract, without words, because they were able to justify themselves, the way they are, by their drawings. Then I came to watch art shows, and they seem to tell me of the domineering power of those people who can draw while others cannot and will not.  

It's still a wonder to me how can people draw a masterpiece by starting with mere lines, eloquently, straight forward lines. Lines that indicate direction, a path leading up to somewhere. Then, from those eloquently said lines, they begin to create polygons. Shapes that would later on reveal themselves as a masterpiece, an art. Then, an artist will showcase his drawings to a person who will try their best to interpret it. Good thing, if that person is an artist too, to read between those lines. Unfortunately, if that person is not an artist, then that person will have a hard time decoding those lines. That person might misinterpret those lines of the artist. It will only lead to miscommunication. The path of those lines of the artist that should lead on to somewhere, now, leads to nowhere. And if that person tries to tell the artist about the interpretation, the artist then will tell the person his own interpretation of the masterpiece. Then, there will be a clash of interpretations between the artist and the supposed critic.  

Dati-rati ( Ibang Yugto)

            Parang alam ko na kung bakit, kung ano ang dahilan ng mga panlalamig at pagkayamot at patuloy na pagtatanong sa kahulugan ng buhay. Ang matinding dahilan: namimiss namin ang "last school year". Last school year kasi, kahit papaano may kahit isang teacher man lang sa faculty na naiiwanan namin ng pera para ibili kami ng lunch namin kay manang. Andun 'yung tipong nagkakagulo pa kami kung anong bibilhing ulam at kung bibili ba ng extra rice o hindi. Di gaya ngayon na may kaagaw na si manang sa mga suki niya. Ngayon, kanya-kanya na kaming bili. Bihira na mangyari ngayon ang tanungan ng "Oh, may lunch ka na? may munggo ngayon si manang?" 

               Tsaka parang ngayon naiintindihan ko na rin kahit papaano ang nararamdaman ni Jef na kalituhan ng isip. Parang malinaw na sa akin ang scenario. Kung titingnan kasi, lahat kami na kasama ni Jef sa English Area sa Faculty 2, ako, si Collie, si Ms. Dasco, maging sila Ms. Yhel at Yssa, lahat kami may bagong nangyayari this school year. Ako at si Ms. Dasco naging single prep, si Collie naging adviser at double prep na hindi naman namin ginawa last school year, at syempre bago ang lahat para kila Ms. Yhel at Yssa. Kung titingnan natin si Jef lang ang nanatili sa kanyang position, club moderator, same club, adviser, double prep at nanatiling isa lang ang hawak na third year. Lahat kami na kasama niya sa English bago ang pagtingin namin sa mga bagay-bagay this school year, pero sa lagay ni Jef, what he did last school year, he's just repeating it this year. Kaya nga siguro nang "mag-open" siya ng "existential dilemma" niya sa akin ay hindi ko siya maintindihan, hindi ko siya ma-penetrate, feeling ko bumaba 'yung level of compassion ko, hindi ako maka-relate, hindi ako makapag-empathize kasi hindi ko nararanasan 'yung nangyayari sa kanya this school year. At ganun din naman siya, hindi din siya maka-relate sa nararamdaman kong "tuwa" sa pagharap sa trabaho this school year dahil bago ang tingin namin (ako, collie, Ms. Dasco, Ms. Yhel, at Yssa) at siya dati na. Kaya nga din siguro "unconsciously" may mga "tasks" siyang ginagawa na parang "first time" lang niya gagawin this school where in fact, nagawa na niya 'yun dati pa.  

             Kahit papaano parang naiintindihan ko na. Naiintindihan ko na siya. Pero hanggang dun na lang ba natatapos ang lahat, hanggang sa pag-intindi na lang? Magiging huli na kaya ang lahat para sa samahan kung hahayaan ko na lang na pabayaan namin ang isa't isa na parang wala na kaming "care"?Hahayaan ko na lang ba na sa ganito magtapos ang lahat?

* para sa mga iniwan ni Viel (kasama na ako doon), I believe that we can no longer turn back to last school year. What we have is "the now", the present time, present "moments", present "family". All we can do is to live in the present for we are in the present.  

Dati-rati

        Hindi na kami gaya ng dati. Basta, may iba na sa amin, may nagbago. 

       Tumamlay na ang dating malambing na mga biruan. Bihira na rin mangyari ang mga kiskisan ng mga braso sa mga hindi sinasadyang tulak ng tadhana na magkatabi. Mabibilang na rin lang sa daliri ang mga pagsasabihan ng "sweet nothings" for no apparent reason. Iba na kami ngayon. 

       Hindi lang sa kanya ang kasalanan. Marahil ako muna ang dapat sisihin. Ako ang unang nagbago. Hindi na ako tulad ng dati. Kung magbabalik tanaw nga ako mapagtatanto ko na ako ang unang umiwas. Masyado kong iniisip ang "uncertain future" at masyadong pinag-aaksayahan ng panahon ang pag-iwas sa "crossing the bridge" kaya iniwasan ko siya. Ako ang nagsimulang umiwas. Ako ang may kasalanan. Marahil ay nadama niya ang aking masidhing pagnanais na iligtas ang aking sarili mula sa sakit ng pagkabigo at pagkatanga, kaya nagbago na din siya. Nag-iba na ang pakikitungo niya sa akin. Wala siyang kasalanan. Tumugon lang siya sa bugso ng "aura" ko na umabot sa kanya at nadama niya. Umiiwas na siya. At eto na nga ang simula ng aming paglayo sa isa't isa. Masakit pala. Hindi ko na tuloy alam kung ano ang mas masakit, ang ginagawa kong pag-iwas o ang ganitong lumalayong agwat namin sa isa't isa. Parang hindi ko na mapaghiwalay kung alin. Mahirap din naman para sa akin na ako ang unang kumilos, hindi naman sa ayokong ma-reject, pero mahirap ma-reject, mahirap mapahiya, mahirap maging "assuming". Ako ang babae.  

        Sa isang banda, isang magandang paraan din pala ito para ihanda ko na ang aking sarili sa nalalapit kong pag-alis. Siguro, mas mahirap para sa akin, mas masakit kung darating ako sa punto na hahanapin ko sa ibang tao ang mga ugali niya. Dahil isang katotohanan na nag-iisa lang siya kahit na marami namang iba, kahit na marami pang iba. Pero sa isang banda nagpapasalamat na din ako sa kanya na kahit papaano, kahit sa pamamagitan ng mga biruan, mga palihim na sulyap, mga lambingan at simpleng pag-aalala ay iiwanan niya ako ng magagandang alaala na sa aking "photographic memory bank" ay mananatiling naka-impok- mananatili-siya at ang kanyang mga alaala.  

*Salamat, Mr. Gentleman, I guess, it's high time for me to move on... move forward.

Perhaps, I Don't Know

I was having my lunch with Jef, a rare occasion for both of us, nowadays, since circumstances led us both to the "busy" side of work, he had his usual tasks and I had my "raket"which led us both to take parallel lines of lives, simply put, we rarely meet. We sat by the entrance steps of CLLL building, while eating because we are waiting for Venj to ask him for some insights about our classroom research. It turned out, since I would have to say, that Venj is an authority to many things, he was able to give insights not just about the research, but to Jef's existential dilemma. Perhaps, I'm still a Martian, or should I say, a Venetian to the male specie, which is very rightly that time has permitted Jef to meet Venj that lunchtime for some tips on finding meaning in life. Perhaps, Venj had been there, done that. He already took some time off, off to work, off to family, off to the world he is so used to. He took some time off to contemplate, to think and rethink and just be with himself. I guess, all people need that despite multiculturalism, the concepts of cooperation and collaboration and community. We all need to have time on our own. Yes, no man is an island, but, perhaps, people will encounter moments in their life that they need to take a break from people, from noise, from distractions, from mere thinking.

Looking back on the film (and novel), Eat Pray Love, they say that Italian people have the concept of “Doing Nothing”. Italians allot a day in their life to do nothing. Like a time-out from the routine of life. If we adopt our fellow Asian countries’ culture, and they invade us by storm, why don’t we try to immerse ourselves with this Italian concept? Perhaps, we would be better workers, better thinkers, better individuals if we allow ourselves to inner monologues and soliloquy. That’s why perhaps, we, Filipinos don't know what we are looking for, much more where we are heading for. Perhaps, we don't know why we're here and why do we keep on doing these things?

Perhaps, this is what Jef needs. He needs a long overdue time out from the exhaust of life’s strife. Perhaps, it would do him good. It would energize him. I don't know for I haven't done it unlike Venj. What I did was only to escape that's why I am where I am now. I am an escapist. That's why, that long overdue break keeps on haunting me until now because I avoided it. So, I guess if a person feels like having a break then get it. You owe yourself to listen to whatever your mind and heart tell you and a person can never listen unless there is tranquility within.  

*to dzEf, I hope and will continue to pray that you will find your muse that will give you the driving force again to find happiness in your life despite the darkness looming over the world, and most of all, like what Kung-Fu Panda said, "Find your inner peace".