My Only Small Brother in the World

            Since I was a kid, the time before I reached puberty, I have always wondered how will Papa Clody will react if someone actually have the guts to court me. It made me wonder this, because I was a witness of how Papa protects his sister, my aunt Ayie, whose very young, feminine and pretty, from all those "unwanted" and "unnecessary" suitors.  

               Nasaksihan ko kung paano ni Papa sinisigurado na walang babastos kay Ate Ayie sa kanyang pag-labas ng bahay noong panahong may event siya sa opisina and she had to wear a cocktail dress. Well, back then, naiintindihan ko na kung bakit.  Siyempre, we live in Sampaloc, Manila, then, kung saan maraming tambay at naglipana ang mga yagit at pervert na mga lalaki at maganda si Ate Ayie. 

                Papa Clody was not strict, I would say, or at least I could speak for myself, that really he was not. Pero, alam mo yun. Si Papa Clody kasi iyong tipo ng tatay na kahit through implied messages niya sabihin, ramdam naming mga anak niyang babae, na siya iyong tipo ng tatay na pwedeng dumating sa point na papatay ng lalaking ,manloloko sa anak niya. Kasi, siguro, it takes one to know one. 

                   It's just unfortunate na nga lang that I wasn't able to experience that kind of protective gesture, for I was just grade three then. Mananatili na lang sa akin na isang malaking misteryo ang karanasan na ganon. 

                        Pero, hindi rin pala. After five years na pagkamatay ni Papa, ay parang nagreincarnate naman siya sa katauhan ni Jim, my only youngest brother. Sumagi pa nga sa isip ko na si Kuya Jake ang magpoprotekta sa akin eh, pero hindi pala, si Jim pala iyon. 

                              There was this one time, I was already working at St. Mary's. It was a Saturday half-day class. I scheduled myself to go to Bulacan. I arrived there around four in the afternoon. Jim was outside and saw me coming. Sabi niya, "San ka galing, teh?" Sagot ko naman, "Sa school.?!" Sabi ni Jim, "Pagkatapos ng school, san ka pa nagpunta?" sagot ko naman, "wala!?!" sabi niya, "eh, bakit ganyan?!' tanong ko naman, with matching confused facial expression, "anong ganyan?!?!?" at inulit niya pa, "ganyan!!!" 

                                     And it took me a few seconds to realize that he was pertaining to the remaining blush-on I had put on my face during the morning of that Saturday class. 

                                        Okay, I got the message. Although, confusing din pala ang ma-protektahan. Hindi ko kasi alam kung ayaw niya ba na nakikipagdate ako or what. But, I'm very happy and very fortunate that I have a brother like Jim. 

                                            I may not be able to experience that protective gesture with Papa and Kuya Jake, but at least, Jim is here to fulfill that mystery. 

* Jim, love na love ka ni Ate Red

I Trust In You

            Trust.

            I've been thinking about this concept, Trust. Is it just like faith or love or fidelity? Can it hold objectivity or is it merely a play of subjective vantage points of people. They say that our first teachers are our parents. I believe so. Our parents give us our firsts. What about those adopted or those who really under such circumstances were not able to experience parenting? I would have to say that, they learn through the first people they meet. What if parents are unprepared? would they be able to transfer to their products the kind of values needed for nation building or at least produce people who are willing to submit themselves to live a life of moral standards?

            But, I do not want to put all the blame to parents. Of course, marami pa rin talagang variables that shape a person's value system, nandyan ang genes, hereditary, rooting from the ancestors of our ancestors, ang hormones, ang gatekeepers of media, who uses power to manipulate the world for their own profit, ang social interaction, interpersonal or intrapersonal. All these experiences are the variables that define who we are. 

               

              But, I still do believe that people owe it to themselves to AT LEAST be a good person.

               Mahirap ba talaga ibaba ang pride? Mahirap ba talaga magpatawad? 

               So, just because someone did "something wrong" to you, that you felt it so grave that you are using your defense mechanism on him. Nagpopower trip ka. That's your defense mechanism. You think you can manipulate the world, exploit people, and destroy their future, just because you are seated at the right hand of the father, which I came to know, you also did some hokus-pokus. Kapag nasasaktan pala ang isang taong nasa kapangyarihan, nagpo-power trip. You take it personally, nagiging unprofessional ka na. Whatever happened to your value system? May mga magulang ka ba talaga? May surname ka naman. Pero bakit ganon? hindi mo pa rin talaga, after all these years, makalimutan ang "nagawang kasalanan". Wala ka man lang bang nararamdamang hiya sa apelyido mo. Or are you even aware of the image that you are projecting to the rest of the people around. If not, well, I'm telling you now, you are hurting them, BIG TIME. You are exploiting them! You are destroying their future! You are a representation of hell on Earth.

             How can you condemn people without much trial. Daig mo pa ang gobyerno ng Pilipinas. Ang pamahalaan nga, kahit na guilty na guilty na ang mga public officials idadaan at idadaan pa rin sa public trial. as for you, no matter how much people give their best to you, it will NEVER suffice you, for you will ALWAYS look for holes for them to fill in. Tinatanggalan mo sila ng right to dream. That's why, they'd rather CHOOSE to leave you, which for me is good for them. Wala silang future pagsilbihan ang isang taong may value system na kagaya mo. Tapos, ngayon, you're asking what went wrong? You are asking for reasons? In denial ka pa of your own rottenness!

               Have some pity on your parents for putting shame onto their names! Or should I blame them for bringing you here.