Amir, I know how hard your father was on you when you were growing up. I saw how you suffered and yearned for his affections and my heart bled for you. But your father was a man torn between two halves.

So he took it out on you instead-, the socially legitimate half, the half that represented the riches he had inherited and the sin-with-impunity privileges that came with them.

When he saw you, he saw himself. And his guilt.

You are still angry and I realize it is far too early to expect you to accept this, but maybe someday you will see that when your father was hard on you, he was also being hard on himself. Your father, like you, was a tortured soul.

And this is what I want you to understand, that good, real good, was born out of your father’s remorse.

I know that in the end. God will forgive. He will forgive your father and you too. I hope you can do the same. Forgive your father if you can. But most importantly forgive yourself. 

-taken from the novel, The Kite Runner

Non-Conformance of My Fallen Angel

The problem is distance and time.

I don’t have to know your past. In fact, I do not want to know your past.

But, I want to know your present.

I just thought that we agreed to keep each other updated with whatever that’s been happening in each other’s life through constant get-togethers. I thought it was a good done deal. On the first couple of months, we were doing that and it was fun. In fact, I was happy to see and talk to you every time.

I still remember how you texted or was it Wanda that Friday night. I sensed how you wanted us to make “gala” given the fact that I was already someplace else with someone else that night and that I still have my Singles’ night right after that. I felt YOUR urgency. I think now that I was misled into thinking that night that you missed me or my presence in your life.

And so we celebrated Ynna and Collie’s birthdays. I can still remember it was you who informed me through a phone call of Ynna’s birthday. And on that night, there began your “privacy”. I suddenly had been so sensitive to your non-verbal gestures. You kept on looking at your watch and at your phone. And if I will be reading your thought bubbles that night, it’s as if the night with us had been that boring to you and that you would rather be with other people.

That night, I wondered how many times you did that to me on the duration of our over a year friendship while we were going out. It occurred to me NEVER and so that was the first time. But that did not just end to that night. It happened again and again. You made me feel as if I’m begging you for your time. Like I always say, “The greatest thing you can ever give to someone is not love, but your time.” And so, I’m begging for your time. Me?! Begging you for your time?!

 Until I became tired of the sudden change in the routine. In your routine. When we used to talk until 11pm or so and that we didn’t care if it’s Tuesday.

And so I came to have these hauntings.

I would compare you to Jef and that Jef is better than you in the sense that he is consistent in his attitude. He was not expressive then, and until now he is still not expressive, unlike you who used to be expressive then, but now, so elusive, so private.

I would compare you to Jane because you are just like her toward her High School barkada. And that Jane and I were never that close friends in the first place because I was never part of that High School barkada and that Jane and I were just merely colleagues. So, I've been thinking, since I no longer work at SMA, and we are no longer colleagues, so what are we now? Aren't we friends? I remember you said how you desperately wanted to be with them and that they’re mad at you because you are not able to go with them. Well, as for me, I don’t know them, what I only know is the concept of a friend. And that if you are really friends, they will not get mad, instead, they will understand.

I would look at us, three, you, Yssa and I that somewhere along the way, I was being left behind.

I would look at us, three, you, Joan and I which made me rethink that maybe you really wanted her to be over and done with him so you can have her. And just because things did not turn out to your advantage toward Joan, I will also disappear in the picture.

You made me felt like a querida, begging for your time. You made me felt like a whore, being used. That I was just a convenient means to your ends when all I was to you and am still, regardless of this chaos, a sincere friend. 

I guess, I just came into a realization that I do not deserve your kind of treatment. All I was hoping was that I could keep you as my lifetime friend because you were a good friend back then and that we had that connection when you helped me move forward. 

I'm a good student, you know. And I can say, that after these realizations, you are a good mentor. You taught me how to let go- big time. Unfortunately, the thing that you taught me also became the armor I used to cut the ties that bonds us. 

I am sad, very sad to the point of regret, actually. But I guess, this is the consequence of learning what you taught me.  

Hindi ako ang nagbago. Weird pa rin ako until now. At hindi ako ang unang bumitaw sa bond. Hindi ako nagbibilang kung sino ang mas may nagawa at kung anuman ang mga nagawa, hindi rin ako nangsusumbat, pero I guess, I'm still a teacher, after all, I understand through explanations. Until then, I guess I'll be over. 

Fruit of my Labor

August 1, 2013

I expected for the usual salary that cut-off. But, lo and behold, the HR already adjusted my rate according to my MA units earned, and so there was the increase in my salary. I know it was not enough, but I gave them something to suffice, somehow. I gave them their part. And yet, it was never enough for them. Never. They asked for another and another and another until the tenth time and it was excruciating to hear and see texts from them second after second reminding me of my “obligation”, as if I have not given them enough. For me, the increase in my salary was a grace from God because I asked Him for it. I had too much payable myself and I know that the unadjusted salary will not be enough to pay for everything. And so the sudden increase was an answered prayer which I did the night before the cut-off.

I wanted to teach my class as enthusiastic as I can but how could I do that if I kept on thinking of their texts and how to get the extra money that they “need’.

I felt so sick and tired of the whole scenario in rerun in my mind and in my soul. All philosophies break lose. I took them for granted. Bad, wrong, and immoral and selfish as it may sound but I ignored their plea. There was really nothing I can give anymore. And even if there was really still some to spare, I was traumatized already to have the energy to give it to them. To those who said not to bite the hand that feeds you is utterly correct. I felt I couldn’t stand anymore the unjust treatment.

And what do I get in return?! Huh?! What do I get in return?! Nothing! Do I get a thank you? No! Do I get a hot soup every time I felt cold because of menstrual cramps? No!

And what do you get from me?! You get a fruit of my labor and ask for its roots.     

Do I complain? Huh?! Do I complain?

Don’t wait for me to complain. If that time comes… you will never see me again. 

July 16, 2013 12:20am

I don’t have many friends. I prefer my life to be that way. But once I get close to someone, regardless of gender, I start to care for him, respect him, treat him with gentleness, and kindness. And I love him with an ending I don’t know when. His happiness is my concern. His sadness is my sadness too. That’s why even if I’m away, I make sure that he is happy; if not at least he is fine. I guess, that’s what scientists call symbiosis, that as I venture into knowing a stranger deeply, he becomes part of my life.

It just saddens me that a stranger I now call FRIEND finds it hard to disclose to me whatever, for apparent reasons I am not fully aware of. 

Yes, I now know that I should never expect too much from people because you taught me that whatever I give, I give those freely. And I guess, asking for a full disclosure from you is asking for too much. And that asking for a mere update of whatever that has been happening in your life is taking too much part of your life. And that you may find it unfair because you may think that I have not been that transparent to you too or that I might just spread rumors about you.

But, I just want you to know, in case you are not aware that I am courageous now. I understand people from a different perspective now. I find myself accepting people’s weaknesses, mistakes, and failures with utmost compassion now than before. I just don’t want to be the last to know every time.        

ToxiCity

Dragging
feet on high heels; compulsory
straight faced
meet and greet the venerables and astutes

Stream of Consciousness as I Await my Supposed Death

March 30, 2013         

          Hindi struggle sa akin ang mag-aral. I remember I readily loved tracing the circle on my writing notebook made by the inkless pen of my nursery teacher, add to it tracing the capital letter B and small letter B for the picture of a ball. Gustong-gusto ko na rin noon ang panaka-nakang pagkukulay ng mga tao, garden, shapes, at kung anu-ano pa. I remember second honor ako noon if my memory serves me right. Since then on, I was a consistent honor student from nursery to high school. Hindi ko inisip na struggle mag-aral at privilege ang makatapos sa Pilipinas. Akala ko normal lang ang magbayad ng 20k quarterly sa school. Hindi pa malinaw noon sa akin ang konsepto ng Economics at hindi ko pa iniisip na mahirap kami, at least economically. Mahirap ba ang pamilya kung five times kami kumain sa isang araw, minsan pa nga six at eat all you can? Mahirap ba kami kung ang wet market namin ay ang Rustans? Mahirap ba kami kung kumpleto kami sa appliances sa bahay? Narealize ko lang na mahirap kami noong magbakasyon kami sa Atimonan, Quezon sa side nila Mama. Akala ko ordinary vacation lang ulit iyon gaya ng dati. Yearly naman kasi kaming umuuwi ng Quezon either sa side ni Papa sa Sariaya or side nila Mama sa Atimonan. Tsaka bakasyon naman talaga noon eh, katatapos lang ng recognition day dahil sinabitan na naman ako sa pagtatapos ko ng Grade 5. Tapos minsan ko lang tinanong si Mama, sabi ko malapit na mag-June bakit hindi pa kami bumabalik ng Manila. Duon ko na-realize na mahirap na pala kami ng sumagot si Mama na sa Atimonan ko na tatapusin ang elementary ko sa isang Central public school. Tapos, nag-sunod sunod na iyon, bigla kaming lumipat sa Bulacan, naging scholar ako sa St. Jo, and later naging scholar ni Kuya Boyet, pinilit ang sarili mag-college at kung anu-anong scholarships ang pinasukan hanggang sa nakakuha ng isang matino at stable na scholarship para lang makatapos.

            Pero hindi pa rin struggle ang mag-aral. Basta, nag-aaral lang ako, kahit walang baon, basta, nag-aaral ako. Hindi nga sumasagi sa isip ko ang punan ang puso at isip ko ng ikawawala ng focus tulad ng boyfriend. Hindi nga ako kinikilig noon at wala akong pakialam, basta, nag-aaral lang ako. Kaya, I tell you, hindi struggle  ang mag-aral. Ngayon, self-supporting sa Masteral, hindi pa rin struggle ang mag-aral. Magaganda pa nga grades ko. Ang struggle dumadating kada enrolment. Grabe! Naman. Masteral na nga, struggle pa rin sa tuition. Sariling sweldo mo na nga ginagamit mo. Eh, ikaw ba naman, isabay mo ang pagtupad sa mga pangarap mo sa pagpapanggap mo na bread winner, tingnan ko lang kung hindi ka talaga kulangin sa budget. At recently, struggle na rin mag-maintain ng perfect attendance sa MA at sa trabaho. Kaya buti na lang talaga, aalis na ako sa SMA, at least, bawas struggle.

Matupad ko pa kaya iyong pangarap ko na mag-PhD sa DLSU? Eh, kung mag-asawa na lang kaya ako ng mayaman, iyong asawa na kayang i-sustain iyong yaman niya at saka ako mag-PhD? Matigil na kaya ang struggle? Or baka naman, mabaligtad ang struggle? Baka maging struggle na sa akin ang mag-aral kung magka-ganon?   

Bakit ako biglang nag-iisip ng ganito? Kasi parang biglang nagflashback sa akin iyong buhay ko noong napilitan akong sumakay sa bus na puno ng pasahero. Eh kasi ba naman, inisip ko na Black Saturday ngayon and I assumed na kaunti lang ang uuwi pa-Manila. Well, sabi nga ni Mam Monte sa Teaching Litt, never assume that your students have prior knowledge about such things. Eto naman ako, assumera na naman ulit. Kasi sabi ni manong driver, isang oras na daw na walang bumibyahe. Kaya ang implied message ata nuon eh sumakay na ako at parang last trip na.

Sobrang puno at dun ako nakatayo sa unahang-unahan sa gitna ng driver at bukas na bukas na pinto ng bus. Parang roller coaster ride! Sa makalawang na estribo lang ang hawak ko. Buwis buhay ang peg. Ay, Diyos ko po! Kaunting sira lang sa break o maling maneho ni manong o madulas lang ang paa ko, nakatsinelas pa naman ako, pwedeng huling araw ko na ito.

Pero napansin ko na hindi naman ganun kahigpit ang hawak ko sa estribo. May pagkakataon pa nga na bumibitaw ako para subukan na ayusin ang forever na magulo kong buhok, hindi pa naman air-con ang bus. Siguro dala na rin iyon ng twice na pagsakay ko na sa Viking at iba pang death defying stunts na pinaggagagawa ko na sa buhay ko recently, na parang madali na para sa akin ang mag-let go. Oo, madali na sa akin ang mag- let go kahit masakit pa rin at may panahon na umiyak ako (past tense). Pero in fairness, naman sa akin, I didn’t expect na ganito ko ka-relax tatanggapin ang lahat. O baka hindi pa rin talaga totally nag-sync in sa utak ko ang mga naganap at nagaganap. Expected ko nga na mag-freak out ako or depressed ang peg ng lola mo pero hindi eh.

          After all, I realized na wala akong karapatang hawakan much more hindi dapat na mahigpit na hawakan ang hindi sa akin in the first place. After all, biglang bumalik sa akin iyong ugali ko na kung ayaw, hindi ko pipilitin kasi I believe na ayoko din naman na pinipilit ako kung ayoko naman. After all, ang tanging akin lang ay ang sarili ko. That’s the only thing I got na may karapatan akong alagaan, protektahan at panghawakan.          

Falling In and Out of Love with my Luckless Romance

February 27, 2013

After just four days of deliberately not seeing him as a first step to accomplishing my commitment to moving forward to life and love, seeing him was unexpectedly excruciating still. I thought I could handle the sudden irregular heartbeats and the mists in my eyes forcing them all not to fall off my mascara made-up lashes. I actually did for a time. I was able to fool myself around for eight hours. 

But solitude no longer gave me the peace it used to dawn on me whenever I felt miserable or confused or worried. Solitude gave me the sudden gush of emotions bursting out of my eyes coming both from my mind and heart this time. The irregular heartbeats were there again and I felt again the heaviness in my rib cage, a hollow. I was breathing but it’s so hard to breathe. My eyes felt sore and warm and wet. But I told my eyes not to give in to my heart’s desire because I don’t deserve the cry me a river, and he too.

I only saw his back but I certainly knew it was him for I saw the wrinkles in his polo due to possibly excessive machine washing, which for most male in the institution I have not seen but only in his uniform, in his back actually. It was that uniform which one time, I remember cutting with a scissor a loose thread in his back and advised him to hand wash it instead. The high noon was wordless for us but I know that he knew I was there walking along his back.

I honestly felt that I miss him. 

“Your right ends, when the right of another begins.”- RJ

February 14, 2013

Tama, wala akong karapatan… wala akong karapatan…

Kaya, hahayaan kita.

             naisin mang mahulog sa isang puta, eh di mahulog ka…

             naisin mang mahulog muli sa isang “committed na, o committed pa”

eh di sige, tuluyang mahulog ka…

Hahayaan kitang “magmahal”.

Hahayaang kitang “mahalin” siya.

Hahayaan kitang masaktan.

Hindi ko na susubukin pa ang protektahan ka, bakit pa?

Aasa na lamang ako sa Diyos sa iyong pagkatuto

Dahil naiintindihan ko, na hindi ko hawak ang buhay mo,

Hindi ko hawak ang pag-iisip mo

At lalong hindi ko hawak ang puso mo.

At itaga mo sa bato

hahayaan kong makakilala ako ng marami pang iba

Hahayaan ko na maramdaman sa iba

ang kusang mahalin, alalahanin, at lambingin

Nakakapagod ka na mahalin.

February 13, 2013

In the first place, bakit ko nga naman pinoprotektahan ang isang taong hindi naman sinusuklian ang pagmamahal na ibibigay ko? Bakit ko pa kailangan palagi na lang isaalang-alang ang kalagayan mo, ang posibleng maging kalagayan mo, at ang maayos na image mo sa madla gayong hindi mo naman iyon magawa din sa akin? Bakit ko ine-expect na sa akin ka lang sweet? Bakit ko gustong isipin na ako lang ang dali-dali mong tinutugunan ng favor. Perhaps, you really cannot and should not expect people to act in the way you want them to. Or, perhaps, ganito ang nagmamahal.

Dahil kapag nagmamahal ka, gusto mo protektahan ang taong mahal mo kasi ayaw na ayaw mo siyang mapahamak, kasi ayaw mo siyang masaktan ulit, kasi gusto mo lang na maranasan at maramdaman niya ang kagandahan na inihahandog ng mundo.

Dahil kapag nagmamahal ka, gusto mo maganda ang image niya sa mundo kasi ayaw na ayaw mong may nasasabing hindi maganda ang madla sa kanya. Dahil mahal mo siya, nasasaktan ka kapag may nasasabing masama ang madla sa kanya dahil alam mo na hindi naman siya ganong klaseng tao, hindi gaya ng tingin ng madla, dahil nakita mo na at naranasan mo na ang pagiging mabuting tao niya.

Dahil kapag nagmamahal ka, gagawin mo ang lahat na makakabuti para sa kanya. Hindi iyong tipong kung saan ka masaya, susuportahan kita. Dahil iniisip mo ang kapakanan  or ang welfare niya. Dahil nga minamahal mo siya.

Dahil kapag nagmamahal ka, hindi ka dapat nag-eexpect na kung gaano kalaki o kabigat ng pagmamahal na ibinibigay mo at kaya mo pang ibigay sa kanya ay ganon din niya iyon ibabalik sa iyo. Dahil kung nag-eexpect ka ng kapalit na pagmamahal, masasaktan ka lang at manghihinayang ka lang sa pagmamahal na ibinibigay mo dahil binigo ka lang niya at binigo din niya ang  iyong malikhain imagination.

Dahil kapag nagmamahal ka, hindi ka dapat nag-eexpect na kung paano mo siya minamahal ay sa ganong paraan ka rin niya kayang mahalin.

Dahil, marahil, ganito ang nagmamahal…

hindi naghihintay ng anumang kapalit

masakit

masakripisyo

matiisin

mapagpasensya

matagal…

kaya nga siguro, minamahal na kita… (matagal-tagal na)

Mahal na kita.

o baka… 

hindi rin…

Long Distance Relationship

" Love is like a thread that keeps on raveling, but then it ties us back together in the end..."

           At first, I felt that we are growing apart. Aside from that, I realized that no matter how long we are apart from each other, I'd like to think that time or God would always bring us back together to understand each other. 

         That even though, I'm really not that sure of my next destination, I'm looking forward to the thought that I, going, and he, staying, will both give us enough time, another time to assess ourselves, prepare ourselves for each other. That I know, quite sure, that God and time will bring us back together to understand each other over and over again. 

                                                                                                                                                            

Viking

It was a spur of the moment thing.

I was amiably invited by my fellow Math teachers to watch Ballet Manila and Korean Ballet at Aliw Theater for free. All of the math teachers were there except for Mara who I assumed had other priorities that day. I was invited and so was Yssa. And I later came to know that Ynna too was invited. And so, we were all there with Ian, Wanda’s and Tolits, Agnes’ boyfriend as adage to “the more the merrier” just in time for the concert. But, it was already a quarter passed 5 o’clock and Richard’s still missing in action. Jane and I were left outside the theater to wait for his highness for he had the other ticket.

We agreed to take The Viking as our last ride.  I’ve ridden The Viking, as far as I can remember, six years ago with Venj and Allen on a school field trip. That was my first time and it was extremely excruciating. Right after that ride, I went straight to the toilet and flushed out of my oral cavity everything in my stomach and emptied it. I felt all dizzy and the world was hazy.

There was a long line of people and it took us to watch four Viking rides of faceless crowd shouting their lungs out of desperation and ecstasy before our moment came for that dreaded ride. I would like to take the ride, I thought to myself. I thought I’ve already known the feeling as I told earlier and thought that I would be used to it. 

That I would not vomit. 

I took my seat without much nervousness from my heart. I can do this, I told myself. I can do this. But soon enough, there I was trying to find my stomach, pulling my lungs out, cursing life, swearing never to take that soul-splitting ride anymore. Right after that ride, I called out Yssa to accompany me straight to the toilet and flushed out of my oral cavity everything in my stomach not just once, but twice and emptied it. I felt all dizzy and the world was hazy and hangover as if I just drank eight bottles of scotch and whiskey. I went out of the toilet and saw them somehow looking dizzy too and were too tired to eat dinner. 

So, we decided to all go home instead. Yssa was already late for the train so she decided to hail a cab and had us all hitched with her. I went straight first of the cab on the farthest side near the door. For about a few seconds of being away at Star City, I felt something disgusting is going out from my mouth again and so I immediately opened the window and blurt out the slime. I kept the window open for the breath of polluted air kept me conscious and somehow sane.

And so, we were approaching Gil Puyat, when I thought I saw an apparition of a man walking along Gil Puyat high way. I was all dizzy and hangover, I know, and I felt it. I do not feel comfortable. So, hindi ko mapaniwalaan na sa sitwasyon ko na iyon ay masasagi pa sa isip ko na makita siya. I desperately wanted to tell myself that seeing him there on the road is not a figment of my imagination. I wanted to prove to myself that I was not thinking of him. That he was real that night. That my eyes were not lying to me, that it was Jef that I saw and that he was real. That’s why I called out to him, as strong as I could that moment. I didn’t even care if indeed it was him or if I would be laughed at if ever in reality it wasn’t him. Fortunately, he looked at me, pointed at me because he heard me and soon enough I came back into my tired senses and was definitely such a relief to realize that I wasn’t thinking of Jef. 

             Happy Birthday, Red 

                     by Venjie Oclaret

"Clear and bright are the white skies... 

and yet why does the sun beam 

with scorchy scarlet light? 

Now I know why it does: 

The Red Queen's Day is come. 

Happy Birthday, Red Scarlet Goh!"

                                           

Relationship is a complex game.

January 2, 2013      

 On one of my most-awaited interactions, Pete and I were just having a chit chat and I asked whatever happened to our common friend and her relationship with that tribal chieftain. He said that he had no idea and it’s been a while since he last talked to her and so did I. Then I uttered that people need to realize that love is a simple thing. Pete disagreed with me and told me that love is a complicated thing and he keeps on saying about emotions and other sorts of things I find irrelevant.

After quite some time, I realized that Pete is still not right. I still stand on my ground that love is a simple thing. It is actually, relationship which goes with love or loving that is complicated.

Relationship is a complex game and people are its players. Some players join games plainly for fun. They do not mind winning or losing, what is important is that they are in the game. That’s why, after sweating it out a little and making little efforts, players find it easy to let go like the game never happened at all. Some players enter a game unprepared but never would you see in their eyes any speck of nervousness. For them, playing is just part of life. They never see its complications or they never see at all, they are blind. Some players enter a game armed and ready and yet they are nervous for they know in their minds that no matter how well you play the game, there will always be better players. Players will come who will use strategies you never thought it’s included in the mechanics. Some players are nervous because they know that their opponent can be cunning and sometimes will work with their wicked schemes. Nervous players are never complacent. Winning and losing is always a fifty-fifty chance. Some players battle it out competitively as if they’ll lose their life. They give too much commitment on the game because they have in their hearts the oath: “Quitting is never an option”. They’ll stick with the goal to win at life and love no matter how many deceptions they’ll encounter from those cunning evil witches. They preserve their personal faith and will never falter no matter how dazzling and captivating the movements of their opponents are for they know that it’s not the right and the most brilliant move. They know that they hold themselves accountable for their own moves in the game. For they know that at the end of the game, when everything's really over, in the eyes of the Great Judge, a winner always chooses the right path.    

Kapag Kasama Kita

October 19, 2012

Iyong feeling na parang may artista kang kasama…

Iyong nagsisigawan ng yihii ang mga tao dahil kasama mo siya…

Iyong feeling na head turner ang kasama mo…

Iyong feeling na nasa harap mo siya

at kitang kita mo kung paano bumalik ng tingin ang mga tao ng biglang makita siya…

Iyong feeling na ito ang feeling kapag kasama si Richard.

DJ RJ

October 18, 2012

I do not like to think that everything is just a coincidence. I believe pa rin talaga that everything happens for a reason. It has been quite a long time that I’ve asked divine intervention for me to finally have the COURAGE to accept the realities of life. I’ve been just waiting. Waiting lang. I’ve been waiting for things to come and fall in to their proper place. That since I asked for divine intervention, I thought na basta na lang iyon darating at mangyayari. And voila! No need for my actions. Then I realized that life or God does not work that way. 

I believed that I was traumatized from life. That’s why I was afraid to love and fearful of the future. Nobody could ever give me any assurance about love, life, and future. But I don’t want to live a traumatized life anymore. I let all fears and uncertainties go and let God. That’s why I asked for divine intervention long ago. I thought that it’s the key to my happiness.  

But never did I ask God to personify the courage that I asked that I need to make myself grow. But God sent me an angel who FORCED me to do things I never expected or even dreamed myself of doing.

My grandmother, Nanay Rosita taught us, her grandchildren, not to love someone because of physical beauty alone. She taught me that beauty of the face is not all there is in a person. That’s why I became selective, very selective, I must say of people. Appearances are deceiving became my philosophy in life. I already have prejudice on people with good looks. And these “beautiful people” do not fail me. Truly, they are the living proof of my grandmother’s classical philosophy.  

  This is the main reason why I’m kind of doubtful to be friends with Richard at first sight. I mean, nobody could deny the fact that he is good looking and a head turner. All sorts of people (straight women and men, gay people, and married people) can attest to his handsomeness, and I was a witness many times to heads turning twice, and eyes moving up and down just to take a second stare at this young deity on this hellish Earth. It was hard for me to put my trust on people who know their physical beauty is an advantage. But after a few weeks, adding to it the fact, that we became seatmates, I came to know the personality and attitude behind the good looks. And I must say that the greatest thing that I like about him is his honesty and sincerity. They say that eyes are the windows to the soul and I saw in his eyes the truthfulness which I only need to break my wall of prejudice on him. Indeed, he is a newfound friend. He earned my trust.

On the many occasions of us going out, eating-food trip most of the time, sometimes, just walking, I shared to him the thing that’s been bothering my mind and heart for the past months. He became my confidante. He did not just listen. I’m actually getting good feedback and perspectives from him. Then finally, he did it. He pushed me to talk and speak my mind and heart out to him, to the man who must not be named. He said that it’s my only way to freedom.

I know it wasn’t easy for him to give the little push because of how stubborn I am. I felt I was still not ready yet. That it was not yet the time. That I don’t know what to say, or how to say, or that I might have the wrong word choice. I have too many reasons obviously.

Why did I do it?        

His perseverance. I felt he only want what’s best for me. He wasn’t paid by anyone. I realized I don’t want to waste his effort (the food trips, the walks, the music, the perspectives, and most importantly, his time). I really felt like he is the angel sent by God for me to realize that I can do it, should and must do it. No more waiting. This is it.    

“Yan ang Buhay.”

October 15, 2012

I remember my last serious conversation with Jefry, he asked me for reasons why my students like me. I replied, with a serious intonation and poker faced expression that I don’t pretty much care about teaching content, in fact, I don’t care whether my students know how to separate or even locate subject and predicate in a sentence. What is more essential for me is that my students would learn life. I was – dead serious when I said those words. “Nagtuturo kasi ako ng buhay.” Then we had that 3 second awkward silence and dead air until he finally said, “hmmm, that’s our big difference, I teach content and I pretty much don’t care about teaching life. Hindi ako nagtuturo ng buhay.”

During one of those times in the morning, I chose to share that piece of thought with Richard few days after that conversation with Jef. I was, somehow expecting to get, I don’t know, maybe a substantial support from him about my claim. Apparently, what I got was a laugh trip which lasted for about a minute or so, with all the cute wrinkles in his eyes jumping up and about in his thick Arabian eyebrows. Just as when I thought I was being serious with sharing my personal advocacy of teaching students about life- there he was- laughing. Arrgghh! I don’t know what I felt that day. It was confusion and weirdness at the same time. His reaction made me think as if there is something wrong with my advocacy like it was a fool for a teacher to teach about life.  

And so, moments later he would mock me, as he always does, saying those lines, “nagtuturo kasi ako ng buhay” over and over at different times or he would just say, “yan ang buhay”. He was, indeed, mocking me! How dare he put a joke out of a very serious notion about teaching and life!