My Side of the Story (Part 3 The Falling Action)
Since Jan 2020, si JK ang nagsisimula ng chat, sumasagot lang ako. His first chat Jan 5 was to ask me to create him his resignation letter. Sabi niya last favor. I agreed that this is the last.
Eto na yung point na nagtatalo na ang isip ko kung gusto or ayaw ko na siyang makita pa. So, I told him if I can just send him the letter in his email like what I did with his resume. Thinking that we might not be
able to meet each other anymore, I sent him a long farewell message where I ask him to be faithful to his girlfriend from this point forward.
But he insisted for me to print it out so we could meet.
I ask him kung kelan last namin pagkikita because I'm planning to talk to him on that last meetup to tell us to stop this affair.
We agreed to meet at my house on Jan 10.
The last time we physically saw each other was Nov 28, 2019. Since then until 9Jan puro chat lang.
I promised myself not to make any physical contact with him and to just give him the letter. I went out of the gate, and gave him the envelope. He started reading the letter while walking so he can tell me any corrections. I walked with him.
As soon as our elbows touched. Ayun na. It felt like we missed each other so much. Nakaakbay na kami sa isa’t isa. JK hugged me so tight, kissed me on my forehead and thanked me for all the things I did for him. JK keeps on pinching my chin many times while I'm telling him that I will miss him. I teased if we can spend his remaining months having one last “next time.” He asked, “saan?” I said, “out of town?” We laughed. We kissed. And kissed some more, with his hand touching my vagina.
As we continue to walk the long pathway, it seemed like endless kissing, hugging, touching. Of us laughing, while he saying, “tama na, last na 'to” (just because he still has work early the next day) but not letting go. Of “pag hindi ako nakapagpigil, dadalhin kita sa 3hrs” (because he doesn't have condom with him). Then he kissed me for the last time that night and said, “next time na, next time.” As we reached the end of the pathway, we parted ways. Back at the house, I realized I didn't get to ask what I really needed to ask.
So, I thought wala nang closure and clarity. Na ganon na lang yun because that was the last we will meet. Few days passed, and I thought ayun na nga lang talaga yun.
Jan 15, JK messaged me for a correction in his resignation letter that he wanted me to do. And asked me to print it, and meet with him to get it. I thought this is a chance for us to finally talk.
It was usual for me to give him kiss and heart emojis when we chat. But, ayun pala… If this is true or not,
since may access na, then I lessen na yung pagiging sweet sa chat.
Jan 16. We met around 10am at Waltermart Makati. I gave him the edited letter. He said he needed to go to work immediately and was about to give me a fistbump. I jokingly refused and said, “hug na lang.” He refused. I thought he refused because it's broad daylight. Again, no chance to talk.
This is our last chat.
I decided starting Jan 2020 to lessen seeing JK, lessen the chat also. But, somehow, I also wanted a kind of closure, after all, masaya naman lahat ng nangyari at maganda naman yung pinagsamahan namin, mali nga lang as we were both in a relationship to different persons, yun ang mali. I wanted a serious talk to tell JK of my plans of stopping this affair.
In my previous relationships, as far as I know, I am the official girlfriend. I never dreamed of becoming the third party. Nagugulat din ako sa sarili ko baket ko ginagawa, why I can’t say no to him, why I lose control.
Jan 18, 2020 was SFC Christmas Party. At first, I have no plans of going, and JK knew it. But I changed my mind on the day because some sisters wanted me to come as they have gifts for me.
After the party, I asked JK na ihatid niya ko sa bahay and he did. We went to my room and sat on my bed. He said, “wala akong dala (condom).” And dumating din kasi yung isang boarder in the other room. He said he was very tired and wanted to go home. Hinatid ko siya pababa and outside of the house.
We were hugging as we talked. I finally was able to ask him, “Ano ba 'tong nangyayari?” JK said, “Alam mo naman kaming mga lalaki, natutukso.” He admitted na matagal na siyang naattract sa akin.
I said, “pero wala akong ginagawa sayo, I'm just being myself.” He said, “oo nga eh.” I said, “at hindi kita hinaharot, never kitang nilandi, hindi kita type, alam mo yan.” He said, “kaya nga eh. JK never said that LDR is the reason for his cheating. He realized that along this romance, we both started to develop feelings for each other. Akala namin na kaya naming panindigan na one-night stand lang ito at wala feelings na maiinvolve.
But yung feelings namin sa isa't isa is not love, but just intense attraction. And yung feelings is not enough para piliin namin ang isa't isa, na maging kami. Personally, hindi ko rin nakikita sarili ko na maging in a relationship with JK. Hindi siya. We both realized that we really enjoyed the times we spent together. And dahil nagsex na kami, somehow, we already knew each other's weakness. That's why every time we meet, we cannot control but have physical and sexual makeout. Hindi talaga namin mapigilan.
I asked, “so anong plano?” He said, “balik na tayo sa pagiging tropa.” Sabi niya may at least two months pa siya to be active in SFC, kaya magkikita pa kami sa mga gatherings. Pero kailangan talaga namin pigilan ang isa't isa na maging physically close, kasi we both know kung san yun pwede mapunta. And he wanted no one in SFC to know or magkaron ng kutob na may affair kami. He explained, kaya daw nung nasa Waltermart kami, and I asked for a hug instead of his fistbump, umiwas siya. Apparently, yung kapatid daw ng gf niya nagwowork in Makati, so baka mahuli kami.
So, for JK, pag-alis niya ng March, continue lang kami sa pagiging friends, because geographically, hindi na kami pwede magsex, so kung gusto niya ng kasex magkasama na naman na sila ng gf niya. Pero open siya sa idea na alam naman niya na andito lang naman ako sa Pinas in 2-3years pa. If balik Pinas siya for vacation, alam niya, andito lang ako, alam niya kung san niya ko pwede puntahan.
It became clear to me that we are having a secret affair. That I am the third party, the other woman. And somehow, he is preparing me to be his “reserve” in case, na hindi siya maging successful sa work
and in relationship in UAE. Dahil may feelings na kami sa isa't isa, alam niya na may pwede siyang balikan dito sa Pinas.
So, somehow, it became clear to me. I realized dahil nasanay ako sa galawan ng mga mabubuting lalaki, nung dumating na si JK, hindi ko pala alam yung mga ganung galaw ng isang lalaking ginagamit lang pala ako. Ginagamit kasi need niya na may gagawa ng resume, cover letter, at resignation letter niya, need niya ng ka-sex sa mga oras na kating-kati siya, pero nasa UAE ka.
Ganun pala yung nasa isip niya, yung plans niya. So, I said, “parang hindi ko ata kayang ibalik sa pagiging friends, after lahat ng nangyari sa atin.” I told him to go home. Kinabukasan, nakapag isip isip ako. I messaged JK na ganon pa rin ang decision ko, I wanted for us to stop this secret affair and be strangers. Walang pansinan. End of communication and connection. Kung kakailanganin niya pa ng tulong ko, sabi ko, humanap na lang siya ng iba kasi hindi ko na siya tutulungan. Kung accepted man niya or hindi, pero para sa akin, ayun na yung decision ko. I messaged him Jan 20.
Right after that, I talked with my SFC sister-head and shared to her everything that happened between JK and I. All of it. She advised me to immediately stop this and to lessen seeing JK unless very very important. She also advised me to confess. I also asked to be removed from my position as one of the heads in SFC as I feel unworthy because I'm committing this act. So, now, as of the moment, as much as I do not want to, I'm no longer SFC.
I also made consultations with a psychologist as this is the very first time I did this that I became the other woman. She also told me to stop this affair as she thinks that JK is a toxic person, user. One of the struggles that I have is that I cannot forget all the things that JK and I did not because I love him, but simply because I’m a visual learner. My psychologist advised me to write everything as a way of letting go and forgetting. That's what I was doing.
Another struggle is the feeling of guilt and the desire to tell the truth. I hold myself responsible, so I told the man I'm dating, everything, showed him all the chats, and apologized. He accepted what happened and now we are working things out on our relationship.
I also think I'm partly responsible for you so I feel I need to tell you. Though, I also think that JK should be the one to tell you this. But, he will never tell you. Yun ang gusto niyang mangyari, a secret affair. Why would he? After all, he needs you, especially he needs your help so he can stay in UAE until he gets hired for a job. Ayaw niya na may makahuli sa amin at malaman mo yung kalokohan niya dito sa Pinas before pa yung Mar2020 flight niya kasi masasabotahe yung pagprocess mo ng visa application niya at lahat ng priviledges at benefits na pwede niya mareceive from you once he's already there in UAE. But as for me naman, baket ko pa patatagalin ang pag-amin. At kung magkasama na kayo, mas makakapagusap na kayo ng personal at maayos nio na ang issues ng relationship nio, which obviously hindi ka aware na may nageexist kayong problem sa relationship nio at si JK naman, meron siyang issues na hindi niya directly ineexpress sayo, out of fear or maybe pride, or his ego.
I remember, he told me that he finds me generous with money. Personally, andito na ko sa point ng life ko na maluwag na ko sa pera, at hindi ako naghihintay ng kapalit sa mga naibibigay ko sa SFC. JK said,
yung gf daw niya may tendency na manumbat or magmalaki sa mga bagay or properties na naipundar at maipupundar niya lalo pa daw ngayon na nauna ka na mag abroad. Mas yumayaman ka na daw sa kanya. At kaya si JK nagmamadali makapag abroad kasi he thinks sa abroad siya yayaman agad, at dahil ayaw niya umabot sa ganung point na magmamalaki or manunumbat ka sa kanya. Kaya nung kinausap daw siya ng kapatid niya na no plans of getting into college, ayun na yung go signal niya to go abroad. He went crazy asking me, and other people kung sino pwede niya sabayan just to reach UAE.
That's why I've been wanting to reach out to you. So, I waved you in messenger. I was about to tell you this affair, when you replied, “Ano po yun?” pero pinigilan ako ni JK. Blocked na siya sa messenger ko, but he still has my cell phone number, so he texted me. My psychologist advised me not to make anymore connections with him, so I just replied, “remove a message” which means na ayoko na siya kausap.
Alam ko naman na may hike nung Feb 16 but he texted na maghike din daw some of my sister-friends, which he means, na gusto niya sumama din ako sa hike. Para kausapin or mauto niya ko na wag ireveal kay Kim ang secret affair namin.
That was Feb 8, 2020 (Sat) since wala naman siyang nakuhang matinong reply sakin. He tried once again, on Feb 10
I was already sleeping at hindi na ko lumabas pa para alamin kung ano man yung delivery na yun. Eh
wala naman akong pinapadeliver sa kanya. Again, he just wanted to make sure that I will not say anything to Kim.
But I realized, at the end of the day, cheating is still cheating, regardless of JK's reasons. The moment nga lang na sumagi sa isip ng isang lalaking may girlfriend na gusto niyang makipagsex sa ibang girl, considered cheating na rin iyon. I'm really really sorry for this. I know this will cause you pain and I'm sorry.
I want you to know na hindi naman ako agad agad nag yes kay JK. Dumaan ako sa proseso ng confusion at pilit kong iniintindi ang lahat, kung baket ginagawa ito ni JK sa akin, kung baket niya ito ginagawa against you, kung baket yes na ko ng yes sa kanya at nawawala na yung control ko at hindi na makatanggi.
This Christmas vacation made me realized that I don't deserve to be with a man na “reserve” lang ako sa kanya. I don't deserve a man na habambuhay lang akong itatago. At ikaw, Kim, you don't deserve a man na sa harap mo, sobrang sweet at faithful niya, pero pagtalikod mo, niloloko ka niya kasi ginagawa niya rin pala yun sa ibang girl. I realized I deserve a better man like how I used to have before I met him. And ikaw din, Kim, you deserve better or a better JK.
This is everything that has happened between JK and I mid 2019 to early 2020. JK can deny to death to save his good image from you. He may even say bad things about me, baka sabihin niya na marami naman talaga akong hinaharot na brothers, pero alam ni JK na joke lang lahat iyon. At kahit tanungin mo pa lahat ng brothers, wala akong naka-sex or even umabot sa simpleng makeout sa kanila. Wala. At alam ni JK na siya lang ang tanging brother na pinatuloy ko sa kwarto ko, wala nang iba. I have already confessed everything to a priest and now, to you, Kim. These are my truth. This is my side of the story.
Mula sa bahay nila JK papunta sa apartment ko, medyo mahaba-habang lakarin. Everytime na sasabihin niyang pupunta siya sa bahay, iniisip ko na sana maisipan niyang makonsensiya at lumakad na lang pabalik sa bahay nila. I thought that long walk can give him the choice na iatras yung sarili niya from cheating on you. But he never did. Tumutuloy pa rin siya.
Hindi ko nireveal sayo lahat-lahat para ibreak mo si JK. That's not my goal. One of my goals is for you to decide, if this is the kind of future life you want to have. Alam ko nmn na may future plans of getting married na kayo ni JK, so decide if you are willing to sign up for the kind of “secret” life that JK has.
I also wanted to tell what my psychologist told me. Kung habit na ni JK ang magloko, (hindi mo lang siya nahuhuli) I doubt if I am his first time, then High Risk na maulit pa ang pagloloko niya sayo, “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I may not be his last secret lover.
Sa situation na 'to, si JK ang pinakapanalo because he still has you na nananatiling walang alam at willing to love and sacrifice for him and he gets to have me na nagagamit niya kung kelan niya gusto. Ako, talo ako dito kasi ginagamit lang ako at walang sigurado. At ang official girlfriend ang nakakaawa dito kasi she keeps on giving trust, love, honesty, support, faithfulness, etc while JK is being insincere.
I still like to believe that JK can change to be a better man, a better lover to you. But he needs your help. Tulungan mo siya. Obviously, si JK meron siyang pinagdadaanan sa relationship nio. Hindi niya lang sinasabi sayo or hindi niya masabi or natatakot siyang sabihin. Help him. I think it’s time for the both of you to reevaluate your relationship, obviously hindi at same level ang love, trust, at honestly ninyo sa isa't isa. Baka nagiging kampante ka na sa kanya, baka need nio magset ng new rules or guidelines. Baka may financial pressure siya kaya nagawa niyang maghanap ng relief and I just happen to be the one available. For all we know, it could be any girl.
Kayo naman pareho ang magbebenefit in the future sa pag aayos ng relationship nio. I hope and pray for the best in your relationship.
