Deja vu

         Have you been in a totally new situation, yet felt it was familiar, and that you have experienced it in the past? 

              Such experiences are called deja vu.

       The term "deja vu" comes from the French, meaning "already seen", and describes the experience of feeling that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously.

The experience of deja vu is usually accompanied by a compelling sense of familiarity, and sometimes with a strong sense that one has experienced or have been in the same situation or place in the past.

It is said that the experience of deja vu seems to be very common, and that 70% of people report having experienced it at least once in their lives.

1.Deja vu could also be triggered through the five senses. 

It could be a smell, the taste of food, the decor, combination of colors, pitch of voice, background noises or anything else that triggers OLD MEMORIES. 

You might not consciously remember the original situation that brought that memory, but you remember having experienced it, and you associate it with the present experience.

2. The sight, clothing or manner of speaking of the person or persons who are with, might remind you of someone you have once met in the past.

from: www.successconsciousness.com/deja-vu.htm - 

  And I think, I did experience deja vu.

              And it gives me the creeps. 

              Parang ayoko na. I mean, okay na nga eh, pero kailangan pa ba talaga na ibalik pa kung paano tayo dati. Hindi ba pwede na same date, but different year. Hindi ba pwede na same place but different food. Hindi ba pwede na same situations pero different conversations, different jokes. Kasi, honestly, ang hirap eh. Lalo kong narerealize ang hirap na ang tagal makalimot ng utak ko. Kasi, it took me a few months para ilibing sa subconscious mind ko ang mga memories natin, both good and bad para hukayin mo ulit at muling ipaalala sa akin ang lahat. 

                  Why don't we come up with new memories to fill in to my conscious and subconscious minds? (Effort ba para sa ating dalawa iyon?) Hindi, gaya ng nangyayari ngayon, na parang ibinabalik lang natin sa dati ang lahat. Hindi ba sabi nga, 'History repeats itself to those who do not know history.' Kasi natatakot ako. Natatakot ako na dahil ibinabalik natin sa dati ang lahat ay malaki ang nagiging probability na mainis uli ako, mayamot, mairita, sa kung anuman ang bigla mong masabi. Kaya, ayoko na. Ayoko na. Nilagyan na nga natin ng scotch tape ang 'lamat', hindi ba?! 

                                  Pero, siguro nga, mahirap para sa ating dalawa na basta-basta na lang isantabi ang lahat ng mga nangyari dati, both good and bad. Dahil, parehas nating alam na may 'naganap' naman talaga. Akala ko nga nung una, ako lang ang nag-isip na may 'conflict'. Parang, huwag na lang nating pag-usapan?! Huwag na lang natin balikan?! or, kailangan pa ba talaga?!

Moments of Impact

These flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down, actually end up defining who we are.

The thing is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we've ever experienced with all the people that we've ever known,

and it's these moments that become our history

like our own personal greatest hits of memories that play and replay on our minds over and over again.

A Moment of Impact

- holds a potential for change,

-has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict;

sending some particles crashing together, making them closer than before:

                                        Collie, Jef, Red, and Yssa

Joan and  Sir Mark

                                    Jane and Mara

while sending others spending off into great ventures:

       Ms. Chammy and Ms. Yhel                   

                

                    Ms. Camacho and Madonna
      










                                                                      Joyce                                                                   

                           Ms. Sincioco

                         

    Sir Rod

ending where you never 

thought you'd find them:              

                                              Viel

that's the thing about moments like these-

you can't,

no matter how hard you try, 

control how are they gonna affect you,

you just got to let the colliding particles land 

where they may and wait...

until the next collision.

                                              (All words are taken from the movie, The Vow)

My Only Small Brother in the World

            Since I was a kid, the time before I reached puberty, I have always wondered how will Papa Clody will react if someone actually have the guts to court me. It made me wonder this, because I was a witness of how Papa protects his sister, my aunt Ayie, whose very young, feminine and pretty, from all those "unwanted" and "unnecessary" suitors.  

               Nasaksihan ko kung paano ni Papa sinisigurado na walang babastos kay Ate Ayie sa kanyang pag-labas ng bahay noong panahong may event siya sa opisina and she had to wear a cocktail dress. Well, back then, naiintindihan ko na kung bakit.  Siyempre, we live in Sampaloc, Manila, then, kung saan maraming tambay at naglipana ang mga yagit at pervert na mga lalaki at maganda si Ate Ayie. 

                Papa Clody was not strict, I would say, or at least I could speak for myself, that really he was not. Pero, alam mo yun. Si Papa Clody kasi iyong tipo ng tatay na kahit through implied messages niya sabihin, ramdam naming mga anak niyang babae, na siya iyong tipo ng tatay na pwedeng dumating sa point na papatay ng lalaking ,manloloko sa anak niya. Kasi, siguro, it takes one to know one. 

                   It's just unfortunate na nga lang that I wasn't able to experience that kind of protective gesture, for I was just grade three then. Mananatili na lang sa akin na isang malaking misteryo ang karanasan na ganon. 

                        Pero, hindi rin pala. After five years na pagkamatay ni Papa, ay parang nagreincarnate naman siya sa katauhan ni Jim, my only youngest brother. Sumagi pa nga sa isip ko na si Kuya Jake ang magpoprotekta sa akin eh, pero hindi pala, si Jim pala iyon. 

                              There was this one time, I was already working at St. Mary's. It was a Saturday half-day class. I scheduled myself to go to Bulacan. I arrived there around four in the afternoon. Jim was outside and saw me coming. Sabi niya, "San ka galing, teh?" Sagot ko naman, "Sa school.?!" Sabi ni Jim, "Pagkatapos ng school, san ka pa nagpunta?" sagot ko naman, "wala!?!" sabi niya, "eh, bakit ganyan?!' tanong ko naman, with matching confused facial expression, "anong ganyan?!?!?" at inulit niya pa, "ganyan!!!" 

                                     And it took me a few seconds to realize that he was pertaining to the remaining blush-on I had put on my face during the morning of that Saturday class. 

                                        Okay, I got the message. Although, confusing din pala ang ma-protektahan. Hindi ko kasi alam kung ayaw niya ba na nakikipagdate ako or what. But, I'm very happy and very fortunate that I have a brother like Jim. 

                                            I may not be able to experience that protective gesture with Papa and Kuya Jake, but at least, Jim is here to fulfill that mystery. 

* Jim, love na love ka ni Ate Red

I Trust In You

            Trust.

            I've been thinking about this concept, Trust. Is it just like faith or love or fidelity? Can it hold objectivity or is it merely a play of subjective vantage points of people. They say that our first teachers are our parents. I believe so. Our parents give us our firsts. What about those adopted or those who really under such circumstances were not able to experience parenting? I would have to say that, they learn through the first people they meet. What if parents are unprepared? would they be able to transfer to their products the kind of values needed for nation building or at least produce people who are willing to submit themselves to live a life of moral standards?

            But, I do not want to put all the blame to parents. Of course, marami pa rin talagang variables that shape a person's value system, nandyan ang genes, hereditary, rooting from the ancestors of our ancestors, ang hormones, ang gatekeepers of media, who uses power to manipulate the world for their own profit, ang social interaction, interpersonal or intrapersonal. All these experiences are the variables that define who we are. 

               

              But, I still do believe that people owe it to themselves to AT LEAST be a good person.

               Mahirap ba talaga ibaba ang pride? Mahirap ba talaga magpatawad? 

               So, just because someone did "something wrong" to you, that you felt it so grave that you are using your defense mechanism on him. Nagpopower trip ka. That's your defense mechanism. You think you can manipulate the world, exploit people, and destroy their future, just because you are seated at the right hand of the father, which I came to know, you also did some hokus-pokus. Kapag nasasaktan pala ang isang taong nasa kapangyarihan, nagpo-power trip. You take it personally, nagiging unprofessional ka na. Whatever happened to your value system? May mga magulang ka ba talaga? May surname ka naman. Pero bakit ganon? hindi mo pa rin talaga, after all these years, makalimutan ang "nagawang kasalanan". Wala ka man lang bang nararamdamang hiya sa apelyido mo. Or are you even aware of the image that you are projecting to the rest of the people around. If not, well, I'm telling you now, you are hurting them, BIG TIME. You are exploiting them! You are destroying their future! You are a representation of hell on Earth.

             How can you condemn people without much trial. Daig mo pa ang gobyerno ng Pilipinas. Ang pamahalaan nga, kahit na guilty na guilty na ang mga public officials idadaan at idadaan pa rin sa public trial. as for you, no matter how much people give their best to you, it will NEVER suffice you, for you will ALWAYS look for holes for them to fill in. Tinatanggalan mo sila ng right to dream. That's why, they'd rather CHOOSE to leave you, which for me is good for them. Wala silang future pagsilbihan ang isang taong may value system na kagaya mo. Tapos, ngayon, you're asking what went wrong? You are asking for reasons? In denial ka pa of your own rottenness!

               Have some pity on your parents for putting shame onto their names! Or should I blame them for bringing you here.  

                                

                         

Please, don't

Please, don't
make me fall
for you
again


No more
play of words
chivalry
and kindness


Mr. Smieyes
please, don't
I beg of you
please don't

Meeting Manix Abrera, again

            Bago ang lahat, Rak en Rol!

             Una kong na-meet si Manix Abrera noong inosente pa ako. 

             Wala pa sa hinagap ko nuon ang kurapsyon sa lipunan, ang halaga ng pork barrel sa mga kongresista, ang bulok na sistema ng pamahalaan maging ng paghawa ng kabulukan nito sa mamamayan, gaya ng malawak nang pagdumi ng Ilog Pasig. Wala pa akong alam nuon. Dati naaalala ko pa walang palya ang pagbukas ng tv namin sa bahay para subaybayan ang mga balita, na madalas ay palipat-lipat pa ng channel, eh pareho-pareho lang din naman ang ibinabalita ang tanging naiiba lang ay ang mga reporters. Naging form of entertainment lang sa akin ang panonood ng balita. Naging tradisyon na iyon ng aming pamilya-ang manood ng balita. 

         Ngunit, ang lahat ng aking paniniwala ay binasag ni Manix Abrera. Para sa isang "sheltered" High School student mula sa isang private school sa probinsiya ay talaga namang nagdulot ng matinding kalituhan sa aking batang isip ang mga terminolohiya ni Manix Abrera. Sa kanya ko una narinig ang "Rak en rol', na malaman ko na lang ay ginamit na din pala ni Joey Pepe Smith sa kanyang mga jammings ayon sa aking tatay.  Siya rin ang unang nagpakita sa akin ng salitang "Asteeeg" na kanyang iniwang mensahe sa aking name tag sa CEGP Press Congress na iyon. Siya ang nagbigay sa akin ng ideya ng triple letters, na pwede pala iyon. Sa kanya ko rin unang narinig ang "hardcore" at "progresibo", sabi pa nga niya, "ah iyon, oo, progresibo siya mag-isip". Isip-isip ko naman, ano ba iyong mga alien words na pinagsasasabi ni Manix Abrera. At bakit ba kami dinala ng Technical Adviser ng school paper namin sa Press Congress na iyon para hayaan kaming ma-impluwensiyahan ng alien words. Simula ng makinig ako sa Photojournalism seminar ni Manix hanggang sa magtapos ang Press Congress ay nanatiling tikom ang aking bibig at bulaga ang mga mata sa naganap na immersion. Inosente pa ako nuon pero bukod sa autograph ni Manix sa nametag ko ay iniwanan niya din ako ng mga materyal na ni sa hinagap ko ay magagamit ko din pala pagdating ng panahon.

               At lumipas na nga ang walong taon. Napunta ako sa isang state university at unti-unti ding naging malinaw sa akin ang mga konseptong pinagsasabi ni Manix Abrera. Hanggang sa unti-unti ko nang binabasa ang mga comicstrips niya sa Inquirer. May mga strips kasi siya doon na nakaka-relate ako lalo na iyong mga pangkaraniwang kaganapan sa buhay estudyante at manunulat. Nuon pa lang nakita ko na na kritikal na mag-isip si Manix, may lalim. Hindi na ako inosente. At bukod sa autograph ni manix sa nametag ko ay unti-unti ko nang isinasabuhay ang mga terminolohiya ni Manix. Ginagamit ko na ang mga materyal niya. Unti-unti ko nang ibinubuka ang aking bibig at bukas na bukas na ang aking mga mata para sa mga hardcore na kaganapan sa lipunan.         

               Hanggang sa makarating sa akin ang balita na invited guest speaker si Manix Abrera sa Literature week sa PNU. Bagaman, may pasok ako nuon at kailangan ng mga bata ng review para sa parating na RVM Test at umabsent ako. Sayang ang opportunity. Para ngang, "I suddenly miss Manix." Matagal tagal na rin kasi akong walang naririnig na progresibong pananaw sa school na pinagtatrabahuhan ko. Iyong iba pinatay ako sa maling akala na mga progresibo silang mga tao. Kailanga ko iyon, ang makarinig ulit ng mga makabuluhan at malalim na usapan tungkol sa philosophy, religion, government, society at culture ng Pilipinas, isama na rin natin ang language. 

                  Isang malaking misteryo sa akin ang "power" ni Manix na patawanin ang audience niya sa seminar na iyon and yet, pag-isipin din sila sa huli. Tanga lang ang hindi mag-iisip sa mga gawa ni Manix Abrera. Kaya , I really took advantage of the opportunity na makakuha uli ng atograph ni Manix, but this time, I made sure na hindi na sa nametag niya iiwan ang pagka-hardcore niya. Bumili ako ng comics niya. 

                    At habang nakapila ako sa kanyang tahimik na autograph signing, ay nag-iisip na ako ng mga ideas for conversation, na habang busy siya sa pagdrawing ng messages ay dadaldalin ko siya. Iyon ang plano ko. Hanggang sa dumating na ang pagkakataon ko. Isa. Dalawa. Tatlo. Ako na. Pag-abot ko sa kanya ng mga libro (dalawang libro ang pina-sign ko, kasi nakisuyo ang isang kaibigan), ay na-starstruck ako, hindi sa kanya kundi sa kanyang mga kamay. Oo. Ang ganda ng kamay ni Manix Abrera. Siguro, iyon ang sikreto niya sa kanyang mga simpleng "art". At basag na naman ako kay Manix. Natameme ako. Lahat ng pinaplano kong chika minute ay naiwan lahat sa aking thought bubbles. 

                     Kaya ang masasabi ko lang, Rak en rol.

miss mo 'ko, miss kita

            "Naku, mamimiss mo din  siya", said by our colleague. And I said as a rapid response of my misplaced pride to this sudden assumption of his misplaced affection, "Naku, baka siya mamimiss niya ako. Eh, ngayon pa nga lang na nandito pa ako eh, namimiss na niya ako." '

            That hedonistic utilitarian!!!! I mean, how can people regard my presence as one who is ONLY USEFUL. Am I a thing??? Of course, not. I'm biologically, a human being. I'm not made out of some mechanical equipment. I'm not a robot. I'm made up of feelings, senses, emotions, cells. I'm all human. Is it my fault to project a dependable character, that people regard me as one who IS ALWAYS THERE, WILL NEVER, SHALL NEVER, OR IS AFRAID TO BE ABSENT?   I do not blame myself for having these good qualities: efficient, hardworking, self-reliant, dependable. I am what I am. I am who I am, yesterday, today, and even in the succeeding future. I will never apologize for being who I am. Just as the great Margaret Thatcher said, "never apologize for your emotions." I just find it unfortunate on my part that people misunderstood my  character and my personality, that they tend to exploit my kindness to the point of charity or free service, and my dependability to the point of gullibility. 

                 I guess, that's why people take so much care for their things, their gadgets, their possessions, as if these objects are alive. Some of them even give names to these objects, hugs them so tight whereas they haven't hugged a person as much as they did to these things. Why can't they understand that things are meant to be used, and people are meant to be loved, and it's not the other way around. I guess, they love these things because these things are useful to them, it's their way of giving back. People will love things and in return things will be useful to them. Maybe, that's how hedonistic utilitarians love. They ONLY love out of practicality and usefulness. 

                      At first, my heart was touched with the thought that , yes, he might miss me. But, at last I felt that yes, he will definitely miss me, because he knew for himself that I am someone whom he can depend on, that I will ALWAYS BE THERE. He knew me so well, that I am not that heartless enough to just let things happen much more to take things for granted. With these thoughts on my mind, I promised myself to put an end to make this hedonistic utilitarian achieve his "happiness". No more submission to this inversely proportional philosophy.