DJ RJ

October 18, 2012

I do not like to think that everything is just a coincidence. I believe pa rin talaga that everything happens for a reason. It has been quite a long time that I’ve asked divine intervention for me to finally have the COURAGE to accept the realities of life. I’ve been just waiting. Waiting lang. I’ve been waiting for things to come and fall in to their proper place. That since I asked for divine intervention, I thought na basta na lang iyon darating at mangyayari. And voila! No need for my actions. Then I realized that life or God does not work that way. 

I believed that I was traumatized from life. That’s why I was afraid to love and fearful of the future. Nobody could ever give me any assurance about love, life, and future. But I don’t want to live a traumatized life anymore. I let all fears and uncertainties go and let God. That’s why I asked for divine intervention long ago. I thought that it’s the key to my happiness.  

But never did I ask God to personify the courage that I asked that I need to make myself grow. But God sent me an angel who FORCED me to do things I never expected or even dreamed myself of doing.

My grandmother, Nanay Rosita taught us, her grandchildren, not to love someone because of physical beauty alone. She taught me that beauty of the face is not all there is in a person. That’s why I became selective, very selective, I must say of people. Appearances are deceiving became my philosophy in life. I already have prejudice on people with good looks. And these “beautiful people” do not fail me. Truly, they are the living proof of my grandmother’s classical philosophy.  

  This is the main reason why I’m kind of doubtful to be friends with Richard at first sight. I mean, nobody could deny the fact that he is good looking and a head turner. All sorts of people (straight women and men, gay people, and married people) can attest to his handsomeness, and I was a witness many times to heads turning twice, and eyes moving up and down just to take a second stare at this young deity on this hellish Earth. It was hard for me to put my trust on people who know their physical beauty is an advantage. But after a few weeks, adding to it the fact, that we became seatmates, I came to know the personality and attitude behind the good looks. And I must say that the greatest thing that I like about him is his honesty and sincerity. They say that eyes are the windows to the soul and I saw in his eyes the truthfulness which I only need to break my wall of prejudice on him. Indeed, he is a newfound friend. He earned my trust.

On the many occasions of us going out, eating-food trip most of the time, sometimes, just walking, I shared to him the thing that’s been bothering my mind and heart for the past months. He became my confidante. He did not just listen. I’m actually getting good feedback and perspectives from him. Then finally, he did it. He pushed me to talk and speak my mind and heart out to him, to the man who must not be named. He said that it’s my only way to freedom.

I know it wasn’t easy for him to give the little push because of how stubborn I am. I felt I was still not ready yet. That it was not yet the time. That I don’t know what to say, or how to say, or that I might have the wrong word choice. I have too many reasons obviously.

Why did I do it?        

His perseverance. I felt he only want what’s best for me. He wasn’t paid by anyone. I realized I don’t want to waste his effort (the food trips, the walks, the music, the perspectives, and most importantly, his time). I really felt like he is the angel sent by God for me to realize that I can do it, should and must do it. No more waiting. This is it.    

“Yan ang Buhay.”

October 15, 2012

I remember my last serious conversation with Jefry, he asked me for reasons why my students like me. I replied, with a serious intonation and poker faced expression that I don’t pretty much care about teaching content, in fact, I don’t care whether my students know how to separate or even locate subject and predicate in a sentence. What is more essential for me is that my students would learn life. I was – dead serious when I said those words. “Nagtuturo kasi ako ng buhay.” Then we had that 3 second awkward silence and dead air until he finally said, “hmmm, that’s our big difference, I teach content and I pretty much don’t care about teaching life. Hindi ako nagtuturo ng buhay.”

During one of those times in the morning, I chose to share that piece of thought with Richard few days after that conversation with Jef. I was, somehow expecting to get, I don’t know, maybe a substantial support from him about my claim. Apparently, what I got was a laugh trip which lasted for about a minute or so, with all the cute wrinkles in his eyes jumping up and about in his thick Arabian eyebrows. Just as when I thought I was being serious with sharing my personal advocacy of teaching students about life- there he was- laughing. Arrgghh! I don’t know what I felt that day. It was confusion and weirdness at the same time. His reaction made me think as if there is something wrong with my advocacy like it was a fool for a teacher to teach about life.  

And so, moments later he would mock me, as he always does, saying those lines, “nagtuturo kasi ako ng buhay” over and over at different times or he would just say, “yan ang buhay”. He was, indeed, mocking me! How dare he put a joke out of a very serious notion about teaching and life!   

Muntanga lang, Ansabe

Well, this meeting is entirely personal not professional. At sana lahat ng maririnig mo galing sa akin, you will listen and not just hear things, na parang pasok sa isang tenga at labas sa isa. Gusto ko na kasi talaga sabihin ang lahat-lahat.

Ano ba 'yung disclose? It's to reveal something, so parang ganon yung gusto kong gawin ngayon, which concerns you, actually You and I, the both of us, this is not even about Collie.

Sana rin magkaroon ka ng open mind and open heart sa lahat ng words na kakawala. Ayokong masayang ang 'moment'.

I'm afraid of many things, alam mo 'yan. Pero, matagal-tagal na rin kasi na-oocupy ng mind ko ang mga bagay-bagay. May mga misteryo sa buhay ko na hindi ko mahanapan ng sagot hanggang ngayon. May mga nangyari sa buhay ko before na until now iniisip ko pa rin, na parang bitin yung mga nangyari. Nakakalito. At sa tingin ko, matutulungan mo akong mawala iyong misteryo nila.

Una, kasi parang ako yung dahilan kung bakit na-ruin yung buhay mo sa MA.

Tapos, nung summer, 'yung first day of classes pa lang, ewan ko, if you still remember, 'yung nag-lunch tayo sa KFC. The place reminded you of your last date with your ex-girlfriend. I asked you if you want to go to some place else, but you insisted na dun na lang. Tapos, while eating, you mentioned that your first girlfriend's name starts with the letter K, then the second one starts with R, then your last is Kate, that I know. Tinanong mo pa ako kung hindi ko ba nakikita 'yung pattern. Syempre, hindi naman ako pinanganak kahapon para hindi maisip na kahit ang nickname ko starts with R, kung 'yun nga ang pattern na sinasabi mo, pero, I said to you, "maybe, it's time for you to choose another letter from the alphabet. Why don't you try A. B.. C..." Parang paminsan-minsan kasi, sumasagi pa rin sa isip ko 'yung moment na 'yun. Sabi ko nga 'yung utak ko hindi mabilis makalimot. Na gusto kong itanong sa'yo ngayon, although alam ko wala na naming bearing pero, ano ba 'yung nangyaring conversation na 'yun? Hinihintay mo ba na i-joke ko na sabihing "'yung pangalang Rose- Anne starts with R gusto mo bang i-bridge kita."

Tsaka, nung isang quarter tayong hindi nagpapansinan. Hindi pa natin 'yun pinag-usapan. Actually, never natin in-express kung ano nga ba ang nangyari, for the sake of Christmas lang at dahil may prayer service, kaya tayo, well, naging maayos.

Pero, bakit nga ba bigla na lang hindi kita pinansin. Kasi nga hindi ako ipinanganak kahapon para hindi malaman ang mga nangyayri sa paligid ko. At alam ko na alam mo kung ano akong klaseng tao. Na nalulungkot ako. It pains my heart really, kapag may nagbe-break, kapag may naghihiwalay. Tapos, nababalitaan ko 'yung sa inyo ni Ms. di ba?

Hindi ako ganon ka-tanga. Marami nga akong hindi kayang gawin pero hindi ako ganon ka-tanga. Somehow, you disappoint me. Para ka ring si V. pareho kayo. Sinaktan niyo ako. Out of all the people na akala ko kilala ako. Kaya gustong-gusto ko talaga magresign ng mga panahon na iyon eh, kasi iniisip ko na ayoko magpa-under sa isang boss na nagpapakatanga sa isang babaeng committed at publicly, aminado naman siyang may boyfriend siya.

Nagpapakatanga ka sa isang babaeng hindi ka naman kayang mahalin talaga. Kaya kung kay V. hindi ko nagawang puntahan 'yung kasal at binyag, ganon din ang defense mechanism ko sa'yo- avoidance. In my point of view, 'yun talaga ang dahilan ko kung bakit hindi ko magawang makipag-interact sa'yo.

Every time na nakikita kita 'nun, nalulusaw 'yung hope ko sa konsepto ng love. Akala  ko kasi, you are different from them. Akala ko, you are a better man than they are. Akala ko maisasama kita sa bilang ng mga ideal man ko. Eh, hindi eh, kaya na-disappoint ako. At nung na-disappoint ako iniwasan kita, hindi ko kaya eh, hindi ako ganon ka-plastic.

Pero, bakit ngayon, parang okay ka na sa akin.

Kasi kakapakinig ko sa mga Christian talks, sa mga reflections, sinasabi na how many times will you have to forgive your brother, seventy times? God said, seventy times seven over.

Siguro nga, talagang hindi ako ganun ka- heartless para iignore ka forever. Time lang siguro talaga ang kailangan ko kapag nadi-disappoint ako. Parang kagaya ngayon, ito na 'yung moment. Lahat-lahat eto na. Para at least masabi ko sa sarili ko na kung anuman ang maging final decision ko this January, kung bibihira na lang tayo magkita or entirely hindi na tayo magkita, at least nasabi ko na na-express ko sa'yo lahat.

Na matutulog ako at hindi na magigising na iniisip 'yung mga bagay na ito. Sana makakuha ako ng makabuluhang sagot sa'yo, violent reaction or kung anuman.

Stay

 

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

So, what do I want to do or what do I want to happen after asking him to read the blog? 
Nothing. 
I'm just glad that he took the time to read it. 
I had hoped things could have been resolved, closure as they call it, but life has its loose ends, so smile

She sat beside me
(As much as I really mind her sitting)
but was too polite to refuse

Living Dead Stars

            Alfredo Salazar was disillusioned to the concept of love much like what happened to me. For those who do not know, Alfredo Salazar is a fictional protagonist of the short story, "Dead Stars". In the story, Alfredo thought he is deeply in love with Julia, his childhood sweetheart. But then, no. He was not. He was just disillusioned. 
            I, too, was disillusioned. "Nasaktan ako dahil sa maling akala." But, what I am thanking, still to God is that before anything destructive happens to me, I was able to revive myself that easily. 
            I thought we were... but no...there was nothing significant for the both of us. I guess, I just really have to be contented with that.