Union of a Butterfly from a Cheetah

She-

Like a cocoon, enveloped with white lace

Void of noise and sight

Seeing only the man of her dreams (or is he?)

Like a butterfly in metamorphosis

Everything changes

Everything, for her feels like the first time

Surname, signature from paper to paper, a house,

Mother and father becomes two

As she spreads her wings for the new life,

Tear, as heavy as a boulder,

Drops, 

witnesses cannot distinguish as from

euphoric joy of her Love or overwhelm thought of forced entry into his Life 

Rolls down to her angelic but double-cheeked face

Results to heavy breathing, piercing sobbing

made by the thought of his sharp dagger that abruptly swerved her life

all at the same time makes it difficult for her to utter the vow

Which makes the witnesses sob with her malady

But necessity tells her she has to...

for she has to...
             because she has to...

He-

Like a savannah, barren of guilt and shame

Void of estrogen, overflowing with testosterone

Seeing the woman of his dreams (or is she?)

Like a cheetah in his first great catch

Nothing changes

Everything, on its way to monotony

Same surname, same signature, ink just blots down from paper to paper,
                same house, only the mother and father becomes two,

As he runs fast for the new life,

Taking with him his great catch

Not even a teardrop, witnesses cannot distinguish as from

Exhibition of machismo or misplaced pride

Results to lax breathing, emotionless

Utter the vow as if it’s just a wind that passed by  

*alay kay Volta, nawa'y maging sapat ang pagmamahal para malampasan ang mga drama ng buhay

Death Row

        Ganito pala ang feeling nang nasa death row. ‘Yung tipong hinatulan ka sa isang krimeng you’d like to believe na wala kang kasalanan. Pero sabi nga di ba, “Ignorance of the law excuses no one.” Kasalanan ang maging ignorante sa panahon ngayon. Kasalanan ang maging mediocre. Kasalanan na din ang hindi ka maging skilled. Bukod sa “What is the essence of being a woman?” ‘yung hypothetical question na “If you have only a few days to live on earth, what would you do and why?” ang masasabi kong pang-Ms. Universe na mga tanong. Parang ‘yung second question applies to me now. Not in the sense, na may taning na buhay ko or I’m under threat, but with the way things are going, I’m left with nothing but to enjoy the remaining days I have with my co-faculty. I-enjoy ko na lang ang lahat. I-enjoy ko na lang ang mga kainan sa McDo or Jollibee, ang mga overtime permission slips, ang mga simpleng hirit at punchline, basagan ng trip, tawanang wagas na parang wala nang bukas, tulungang walang hinihintay na kapalit, si Manang, si Ms. Camz, ang D’Clarion, ang chocolate kapag stressed na ako, ang mga chucheria sa Mercury, at ang garbage bag of gifts every Christmas.

                I already know when. Actually, nagbibilang na lang ako ng aking mga nalalabing panahong kasama ko pa sila. They’ve been very good to me, to my kabaliwans, to my mood swings, to my emotions. Time is ticking at magiging mabilis na lang ang lahat. Kailangan ko ma-enjoy ang lahat. Kailangan ko i-enjoy ang lahat. Nakalulungkot lang din talaga isipin that I have made my decision this fast. Binigyan ko pa man din ang sarili ko ng deadline. Until the first week of October, isang malaking kalokohan. Iniisip ko nga dahil matagal pa ‘yung October ay ma-shake pa ‘yung prinsipyo ko sa buhay ng mga kasamahan ko sa trabaho. Iniisip ko malilito pa ako. Iniisip ko ma-uuto pa nila ako, ma-ba-blackmail pa nila ako gaya ng nakaraang taon. Pero kasi last school year, hindi ko naman binigyan ng deadline ‘yung sarili ko, nag-dilly-dally lang talaga ako. Sumagi lang bahagya sa isip ko na mag-resign last school year dahil nga sa isang job offer ni Kuya. Iniisip ko tuloy sana hindi na lang ako nagbigay ng deadline, baka sakali, baka may magbago. But this time, decided na talaga ako. Masyado na kasing maraming revelation ang natutuklasan ko sa sarili ko at sa maraming tao na hindi ko na nagugustuhan. Napagtatagpi-tagpi ko na ang lahat at hindi isang magandang canvass ang naaaninag ko na resulta. Isa pa natatakot na ako, masyado na akong nagiging predictable sa mga kasama ko. Hindi ko na maitago ang personality ko. Kilala na nila ako. Hindi ko na maitago kung malungkot ako, kung sobrang saya ko, or kung kinikilig ako. Alam na nila. Nakakatakot isipin na may mga taong kilala na ako.  

                Besides, ‘eto naman talaga ang unang plano. Two years sa isang private school, five years sa public high school (bilang utang na loob sa mga scholarships ko), then I will spend the rest of my professional life sa isang magandang state university or elite private university. So, it’s really my time. Wala man akong sigurado pang lilipatan pero decided na talaga ako. At wala na silang magagawa pang-blackmail, pang-uuto, o kung ano pa man that could change my decision. Isa pa, kahit anong gawin kong isip, hindi talaga bagay ang liberated mind ko as a literature person na mag-stay sa isang Catholic school. Ayokong isipin na isang malaking pagkakamali ang tanggapin ang job offer or that everything is a regret. I would have to say that everything is/was a good experience still. Syempre, marami akong natutunan, sa SMA lumabas ‘yung “learning moment” ko, marami akong nakilala, ‘yun nga lang marami din akong iiwan. Kung ang SMA may core values, ako din. Love. Loyalty. And Friendship. I really value friendship, kaya lalong nakakalungkot. Nakaka-iyak. Masakit sa puso ko na ilang buwan na lang aalis na ako. Nakalulungkot isipin na iiwanan ko na ang “fictional family ko”, ang “asawa ko”, ang ”step daughter ko”, “ang kabit ng asawa ko”, ang “mga neighbers” namin at ang tatay namin na “open secret crush ko”. Nakalulungkot isipin na iiwan ko silang lahat dahil sa mga taong nagpapanggap na kilala ako. Mga taong akala nila kilala na nila ako ay hinatulan na agad ako. Pero sigurado naman ako that they would be able to find a better replacement for me. Someone who is beautiful. Someone who is more intelligent, more helpful than I am. Alam ko meron, somewhere out there. And I guess I have to find my place somewhere else.     

Kabanata 1,2,3 at Rebisco fillings

Kabanata 1-Same Old Brand New Day
       Hindi naman ito isang remarkable na araw. Actually, isa itong nakakagutom at nakakapagod na araw ng paulit-ulit na pagtuturo ng maikling kwentong, "The Mats" ni "Manong Frank". Isang nakakagutom na araw ng paulit-ulit na meeting, na itinago pa sa elias na emergency o kung minsan ay sa AKA na special. Isang nakakagutom na araw ng paulit-ulit na pasok at labas sa faculty room o sa mismong mga klasrum na may halong panlalamig ng buong katawan dulot ng 16 degrees na temperatura ng aircon na kung wala pang mangangahas o kunwari ay mahihiya na magsabi sa kung sinuman na hindi tinatamad o kung sinuman na malapit sa remote o sa pihitan sa aircon ay saka pa lang magdudulot ng kaunting init sa katawan para sa mga taong unti-unti nang sinasanay ang katawan sa lamig ng artificial na hangin at ni hindi na naiinitan ang mga likod ng tunay na sikat ng araw. 

              Kabanata 2-Pagbasag sa Paulit-ulit na Scenario
          Ito'y isa lamang nakakagutom na araw at paulit-ulit. Kaya masisisi mo ba ako kung maghanap ang mga mata ko ng ibang tanawin. Masisisi mo ba ako kung bigla akong akitin ng biscuit na nakasuksok sa harapang bulsa ng mukhang mamahalin pero sa katotohanan ay mumurahin mong bag. Kaya nga sa bigla mong pagpasok ay siya ko namang biglang pagtanong kung pwede makahingi ng biscuit. Agad ka namang tumugon, "Sige, get one." And so I did. Ecstatic and relieved. Matutugunan na ang lumalaki kong gutom. Maiibsan na ang pagka-inis sa paulit-ulit na buhay dahil chocolate flavored ang biscuit. "Chocolates give prothrombin which gives out happy hormones", sabi nga ng mga scientists. 
               Kabanata 3-Tres Passing

              Kaya kinuha ko agad ang biscuit at inilagay sa aking table sa tabi ng laptop na noon ay kasalukuyang ginagamit ng ating fellow teacher. Bubuksan ko na sana ang biscuit pero kinailangan ko lumabas ng sandali. Hindi. Hayaan mong ulitin ko. Lumabas ako saglit. 
          Walang malay. Ni sa hinagap ay hindi ko inisip na sa aking pagbukas ng pintuan, papasok ulit sa malamig na kuwarto, ay agad na tatambad sa aking mga mata ang bukas na biscuit. Ang masakit pa ay bawas na ito ng isang pilas. Masisisi mo ba ako kung bigla na lang ako mag-freak out. Dahil ramdam ko na ang malaking gutom kasabay ng pagkayamot sa paulit-ulit na routine na talaga namang nakakapagod. Nakakainis. Nakayayamot isipin na parang pinaglalaruan ako ng salarin o mga salarin na nakapaligid sa pinagdikit-dikit na mga tables and chairs. Nag-iwan pa ng ebidensiya na talagang binuksan nga ang  

biscuit. Iniwan pa ang pabalat sa bandang kanang dulo ng table ko na kung uupo ako agad ay siyang masisilayan agad ng aking mga mata na nagpapa-alala na dalawang pilas na lang ang tutugon sa aking malaking gutom. 
                       Kabanata 4- Ang Simula ng Pagsisinungaling

                       Isang malaking freak out mula sa akin na sinagot ng isang wagas na tawa mula sa isa sa pinaghihinalaang salarin. 'Yun lang ang isinagot mo sa akin. Wagas na tawa lang ang ibinigay mo sa akin. Habang unti-unti mong sinasambit  ang hinahabi na istorya na sa tingin mo ay  siyang magbibigay ng alibi sa krimen na iyong ginawa. Maiintindihan ko pa kung magpaalam ka sa akin na nais mo pa ng isa. Hindi naman ako ganoon kadamot upang hindi magbigay ng isang bagay na hiningi ko lang din.  
                       Kabanata 5- Ang Paglilitis
                       Bagaman ayaw kita isipan ng masama, ay ayaw din naman maalis sa isip ang posibilidad. Oo, ikaw na malayo sa pinangyarihan ng krimen. Ikaw na hindi mahilig sa chocolate. Ikaw na may alibi. Hindi. Hindi nga ikaw ang salarin. Base sa iyong mga sagot sa tanong, magaling ka. Hindi maikakaila ang iyong kagalingan sa "bluffing". Mambobola. Ngunit sa tinagal-tagal ng paglilitis, ay sadyang nahuhuli din ang isda sa kanyang sariling bibig. 
                       Kabanata 6- Ang Pag-amin.
                       Sa hinaba-haba man ng paglilitis sa pag-amin din ang tuloy. Dahil nahuli na nga ang isda, ay wala na itong nagawa kundi ang pag-amin. Umamin ka na mula sa kasalanan na iyong ginawa. Kasalanan na dulot ng matinding gutom dulot ng nakakagutom, nakakapagod, at paulit-ulit na araw. Masisisi ba kita kung talagang gutom ka lang mula sa isang nakakapagod na araw? Masisisi ba kita kung  nabitin ka sa isang strawberry Rebisco para sa laking tao mong iyan? Masisisi ba kita kung akitin ka ng isang nananahimik na chocolate Rebisco na inilapag ko sa table ko?
                      Huling Kabanata 7- Ang Konsensya
                            Ang hatol. Pasalamat pa at sadyang malambot ang puso ng biktima na hindi na nagawa pang magparusa. Ngunit sa isang banda ay salamat na din at ang ina ang siyang nagbigay hatol ng pagtatakwil. Marahil ay hindi nakayanan ng iyong puso ang nagawang krimen kung kaya kinabukasan ay naghandog ka ng isang Rebisco strawberry sa biktima. Agad namang tinanggap ng biktima ang suhol. Bagaman hindi maiaalis ang katotohanan na hindi na maibabalik ng isang bagong bagay ang nawala na anuman ang pagkakatulad nito sa dati.

*para kay Jef, salamat sa kapilyuhan at sa Rebisco at
para kay Collie, salamat sa Creative non-fiction ideas
para sa inyong dalawa, salamat sa gabi ng iyak-tawa. 
                               

  

Different Yet The Same

         I can't help looking at this new student of mine. She's a sweet petite freshman girl. Whenever my eyes fall on her, memories flash back of my previous student last year for she is also a sweet petite freshman girl then. However, this new student of mine is a bit short in stature than that of my former student. This new student seems to be diligent in her studies, responsible and quite smart. Unlike my former student whose everyday existence in my class proved to be a nuisance. She is a sweet girl and that's all she could offer me and my subject. But I really cannot help comparing their sweetness towards people. No comparison needed. It's just the same. In order to fight the grueling gaze of my eyes over this new student simultaneously teaching a class of forty, I finally had the courage to ask her of any relation to my former student. With her sweet gentle voice, she uttered that she was indeed her elder sister. So, that's why!

           After barely a month of teaching on my sophomore year, I came to discover that more and more of my new students are actually siblings of my former third year students. Maybe, that's why, I can't help myself looking at them. Maybe, that's why, I can't help myself but remember my former students through looking at them. It maybe superficial and physical. But my students now remind me of my start as a teacher. Funny as it may seem, but my students now reminded me of my flaws as a teacher, of my mishaps, of my shortcomings. They reminded me of my frustrations, and my disappointments. They remind me of my regrets of the days which will never be turned back. Mistakes undone. Learnings unlearned. Time wasted. Wherein now could result to a multiplicity of flaws, of mishaps, of shortcomings, of frustrations, and of disappointments. It could result to another cycle of mistakes undone, learnings unlearned, and a life wasted if I would not change my ways. And so it is said that once is enough for a wise man. I am now given another shot to change the lives of these little ones. I may see in them their elder siblings with sameness in physical attributes but I think I should be contented in thinking that still they are unique in their own way. That I may have failed to bring out the best of their elders, but I'd like to believe that I'm still not late to change the course of their destinies laid out into my hands. That they may belong to the same brood but still they are different. And I am different now. I should.  

May 17,2011- Youth first, then Love, finally Life.

Dear Journal,

                I just wanted to tell you how I came up with my outlook in life now.

I guess, with the conditions I had when I was a child made me who I am now-an idealistic woman. Why do I find it difficult to accept unexpected pregnancies, babies out of wedlock?

 I believe that as a woman, you owe to yourself to take care of yourself. If in case, you are a woman who is committed to a romantic relationship you must somehow have a grasp if your partner is a sexist or what. As a woman, you must be able to discern if your partner is one who is easily aroused by mere visual image of a woman. I’m not saying that committed people should not engage in sex. If both of them felt like doing it, at a particular day and time, then, so be it. It’s just that for me, if men would always say ”na nabibitin sila kung may suot na condom ”, I believe as a woman, you owe yourself to preserve yourself. “Eh, di ikaw bilang babae, protect yourself, use contraceptives, use pills” As a woman, you should, and must not depend on men, or your partner, for your own protection. You must protect yourself because you solely hold yourself. Kaya, truly, magalit na ang magalit sa akin, but I believe that getting pregnant outside marriage and contraceptives is truly a lapse in judgment. I mean, tao ang mga babae, at bilang tao we are given by God the brain and the conscious mind to think. We are not created as jelly fish. Fortunately for jelly fish they somehow know when to shy away from the net considering the fact that they do not have brains. Pardon my word, but I believe that stupidity runs in a woman who gets herself pregnant at this modern day and age where cheap condoms and other contraceptives are available.

I’m thinking I started to have this perspective on life, sex, relationship, and child-bearing the night Cathy made the shocking announcement. Then, ate nini got pregnant too. Then, Ivy soon follows their roster of women getting pregnant. And then the most recent is Viel. Honestly, I do not cry for these women, which I think most of my friends would assume. In fact, I cry for their babies. In the first place, what made me decide to leave my family? The very reason is that I cannot tolerate the situation. It is just way too much for me to bear. It pains me whenever I hear the newborn baby cry- my nephew. My turning point is that one night, I heard Jacob cry, and suddenly there was a gush of flash forwards. Jacob already graduated from high school and much as he would like to go to college, he cannot, his parents cannot, which in whatever way you look is a right of every child-the right to education. This is the very same reason; I had my two-year “civil war” with Papa. I find it difficult to accept the fact that my father who I see as the strong one cannot bring me to college, his own daughter, that I know he knew is what I love most-to study. It pains my heart to hear the baby cry. It’s heartbreaking. Parents should be the one to show to their children that life on earth is beautiful. But how can it be beautiful if everything started as a mistake, as a lapse in judgment? Good for those women who were able to redeem themselves from their past mistake. But what if you got succumb to your damnation? The setback is that the partners are not the only ones to have the problem; they have their child, who is growing and growing in a continuous manner- a human being.  

*pasintabi sa mga babaeng pinagsabay timbangin ang puso at isip

April 9, 2011- What Kind of Fool I am and the movie, Stranger than Fiction

I just finished watching Stanger than Fiction, it’s a movie about a fictional character of a novelist, which happens to be a real person in real life. The ending was good. I liked how the novelist managed to put everything contrary to what the readers/audience would expect. The dialogue was beautifully done. What struck me most about the ending are the lines. “The moment we lose ourselves from fear and despair is the moment we feel that everything is okay.” Most of the time, I think to myself when can I lose myself in life. Say for example, when I can have the courage to do things. When can I just fall in love? When can I be just in love with someone? I guess what’s holding me back really is my mindset that people, once they fall in love, it will result to mediocrity. Mabobobo ka, once you fall in love. You can’t help it. It’s just in the nature of things. Your body cannot function following two major organs at the same time, which is, of course, the brain and the heart. And because I believe myself to be smart, I don’t want to be a mediocre. Though, as I have said, many times, it’s a big “what if” in my life to see myself lose myself. Will I be able to go back to my smart self? Or will I be just like kuya and ate who got rotten after falling in love? Will I regret having to lose myself? Or will I be glad that I finally did? These are the recurring questions that come up as I continue to journey on my life, my lovelife. 

April 2, 2011-Mama, Mama, I am sick.

Medz is not feeling well today. This is the time when I remember the main reason why I do not want to live alone and away from my family or at most be away from Mama. Siyempre, kami-kame lang roommates ang magkakasama, persons who do not know first aid, and medicine needed for a specific ailment. Those are just few of the things that only mothers know best. I do not want to live away from Mama. Iba pa rin when you are sick and your mother takes care of you. Nothing beats a mother’s loving and caring touch and so they say. That’s why I do not want to live alone, it’s very sad. Nakakaiyak. You have a family and yet you cannot hold on to them when you need them, emotionally, physiologically.  No one takes care of you. You’re too weak to shout that you need their care. You badly need them to take care of you. You need them to remind you that it’s time to take your medicine, to ask them to buy food from Jollibee because you feel like eating burger. And suddenly, you realize those are just imagination if you have high fever, you may call it, hallucination when you live alone. At the end of the grueling heat of your body, you can only reminisce the times when you are home and feverish and your mother touches your forehead. You can only reminisce. That’s all you can do and nothing more. Maybe, if you’re really weak, self-pity will only make things worse. Somehow, I felt, for one day how it is for people abroad to be away from their families. I bet whenever they get sick, they have no choice but to entrust their selves with strangers- they call friends, or else they’ll be dead. Good thing, nothing grave happens. I pray that Medz will feel better by morning because if not, I don’t know what to do. I’m the type of person pa naman, who feezes in situations that calls for presence of mind and grace under pressure. Tsaka, I’m also thinking that I want to take care of Mama in return. She has suffered a lot, much more sacrificed a lot. I’m really grateful that God has given me a strong mother actually, an enduring mother.  

*para kay Mama and to all those caring mothers out there