Union of a Butterfly from a Cheetah

She-

Like a cocoon, enveloped with white lace

Void of noise and sight

Seeing only the man of her dreams (or is he?)

Like a butterfly in metamorphosis

Everything changes

Everything, for her feels like the first time

Surname, signature from paper to paper, a house,

Mother and father becomes two

As she spreads her wings for the new life,

Tear, as heavy as a boulder,

Drops, 

witnesses cannot distinguish as from

euphoric joy of her Love or overwhelm thought of forced entry into his Life 

Rolls down to her angelic but double-cheeked face

Results to heavy breathing, piercing sobbing

made by the thought of his sharp dagger that abruptly swerved her life

all at the same time makes it difficult for her to utter the vow

Which makes the witnesses sob with her malady

But necessity tells her she has to...

for she has to...
             because she has to...

He-

Like a savannah, barren of guilt and shame

Void of estrogen, overflowing with testosterone

Seeing the woman of his dreams (or is she?)

Like a cheetah in his first great catch

Nothing changes

Everything, on its way to monotony

Same surname, same signature, ink just blots down from paper to paper,
                same house, only the mother and father becomes two,

As he runs fast for the new life,

Taking with him his great catch

Not even a teardrop, witnesses cannot distinguish as from

Exhibition of machismo or misplaced pride

Results to lax breathing, emotionless

Utter the vow as if it’s just a wind that passed by  

*alay kay Volta, nawa'y maging sapat ang pagmamahal para malampasan ang mga drama ng buhay

Death Row

        Ganito pala ang feeling nang nasa death row. ‘Yung tipong hinatulan ka sa isang krimeng you’d like to believe na wala kang kasalanan. Pero sabi nga di ba, “Ignorance of the law excuses no one.” Kasalanan ang maging ignorante sa panahon ngayon. Kasalanan ang maging mediocre. Kasalanan na din ang hindi ka maging skilled. Bukod sa “What is the essence of being a woman?” ‘yung hypothetical question na “If you have only a few days to live on earth, what would you do and why?” ang masasabi kong pang-Ms. Universe na mga tanong. Parang ‘yung second question applies to me now. Not in the sense, na may taning na buhay ko or I’m under threat, but with the way things are going, I’m left with nothing but to enjoy the remaining days I have with my co-faculty. I-enjoy ko na lang ang lahat. I-enjoy ko na lang ang mga kainan sa McDo or Jollibee, ang mga overtime permission slips, ang mga simpleng hirit at punchline, basagan ng trip, tawanang wagas na parang wala nang bukas, tulungang walang hinihintay na kapalit, si Manang, si Ms. Camz, ang D’Clarion, ang chocolate kapag stressed na ako, ang mga chucheria sa Mercury, at ang garbage bag of gifts every Christmas.

                I already know when. Actually, nagbibilang na lang ako ng aking mga nalalabing panahong kasama ko pa sila. They’ve been very good to me, to my kabaliwans, to my mood swings, to my emotions. Time is ticking at magiging mabilis na lang ang lahat. Kailangan ko ma-enjoy ang lahat. Kailangan ko i-enjoy ang lahat. Nakalulungkot lang din talaga isipin that I have made my decision this fast. Binigyan ko pa man din ang sarili ko ng deadline. Until the first week of October, isang malaking kalokohan. Iniisip ko nga dahil matagal pa ‘yung October ay ma-shake pa ‘yung prinsipyo ko sa buhay ng mga kasamahan ko sa trabaho. Iniisip ko malilito pa ako. Iniisip ko ma-uuto pa nila ako, ma-ba-blackmail pa nila ako gaya ng nakaraang taon. Pero kasi last school year, hindi ko naman binigyan ng deadline ‘yung sarili ko, nag-dilly-dally lang talaga ako. Sumagi lang bahagya sa isip ko na mag-resign last school year dahil nga sa isang job offer ni Kuya. Iniisip ko tuloy sana hindi na lang ako nagbigay ng deadline, baka sakali, baka may magbago. But this time, decided na talaga ako. Masyado na kasing maraming revelation ang natutuklasan ko sa sarili ko at sa maraming tao na hindi ko na nagugustuhan. Napagtatagpi-tagpi ko na ang lahat at hindi isang magandang canvass ang naaaninag ko na resulta. Isa pa natatakot na ako, masyado na akong nagiging predictable sa mga kasama ko. Hindi ko na maitago ang personality ko. Kilala na nila ako. Hindi ko na maitago kung malungkot ako, kung sobrang saya ko, or kung kinikilig ako. Alam na nila. Nakakatakot isipin na may mga taong kilala na ako.  

                Besides, ‘eto naman talaga ang unang plano. Two years sa isang private school, five years sa public high school (bilang utang na loob sa mga scholarships ko), then I will spend the rest of my professional life sa isang magandang state university or elite private university. So, it’s really my time. Wala man akong sigurado pang lilipatan pero decided na talaga ako. At wala na silang magagawa pang-blackmail, pang-uuto, o kung ano pa man that could change my decision. Isa pa, kahit anong gawin kong isip, hindi talaga bagay ang liberated mind ko as a literature person na mag-stay sa isang Catholic school. Ayokong isipin na isang malaking pagkakamali ang tanggapin ang job offer or that everything is a regret. I would have to say that everything is/was a good experience still. Syempre, marami akong natutunan, sa SMA lumabas ‘yung “learning moment” ko, marami akong nakilala, ‘yun nga lang marami din akong iiwan. Kung ang SMA may core values, ako din. Love. Loyalty. And Friendship. I really value friendship, kaya lalong nakakalungkot. Nakaka-iyak. Masakit sa puso ko na ilang buwan na lang aalis na ako. Nakalulungkot isipin na iiwanan ko na ang “fictional family ko”, ang “asawa ko”, ang ”step daughter ko”, “ang kabit ng asawa ko”, ang “mga neighbers” namin at ang tatay namin na “open secret crush ko”. Nakalulungkot isipin na iiwan ko silang lahat dahil sa mga taong nagpapanggap na kilala ako. Mga taong akala nila kilala na nila ako ay hinatulan na agad ako. Pero sigurado naman ako that they would be able to find a better replacement for me. Someone who is beautiful. Someone who is more intelligent, more helpful than I am. Alam ko meron, somewhere out there. And I guess I have to find my place somewhere else.