Whenever people hurt me, verbally, fortunately, so far, and when my mind can no longer put an understanding to the conflict; my mind chose to escape- my defense mechanism. I think of the person who has hurt me a non-existent; an apparition I deny myself to see. I avoid interaction. I avoid contact. Because, I feel that the more I interact, the more I made contact with that person, the more I'm hurt. This is how I see myself. This is how I understand myself. This defense mechanism is my barometer of measuring if a person has hurt me. That's why if I am talking to someone, that means I'm okay with them. But if I don't talk at all or treat the person as a non-existent, then I know for myself that I was hurt by that person.
I never intended to do this escapism and silent mode to people. But, it's just who and how I am. That is my personality. As much as possible I do not want to hurt people. I'm not the confrontational type. I don't just say frankly everything. It's not being "plastic", it's just that I can't say it. So, instead of saying bad things to people, my behavior chose to be silent, to escape, and to avoid them. Until such time, (usually I don't know when) that I finally feel I'm ready, I go back to that person and face the conflict. This is me.
Getting acquainted with different people (family, friends, strangers) led me to choose who to keep, who to care for, and who to love for life. There are those people (strangers and acquaintances) no matter how grave they hurt me, I just let it pass. It doesn't affect me. But those people (family and friends), who mean a lot to a person of sentimental heart, when they have hurt me, I release my defense mechanism to them.
And that's what happened to Jef and I.
Ayoko nang alalahanin kung ano, paano, saan, kailan, at higit sa lahat bakit ko narelease sa kanya ang defense mechanism. My defense mechanism shed light into the conflict. Jef is already someone my psychology considers no longer a stranger but a friend to keep. He is already someone to care for and to love for life. I was thinking, pareho kaming ma-pride, that's why no one is willing to give in.
But I guess, Paulo Coelho was right all along when he said that if the universe will conspire, the stars will align, no matter how people try to avoid each other, fate will do its job and make them meet.
And that's what happened to Jef and I.
I never expected that after that "performance", he'd be sitting to my seat, which left me sitting at the chair beside "my chair", behind him. I never expected that there would be the Prayer Service and it would have that "Peace be with you." Was it fate who worked on us? On my mind, I really wanted to make amends to him that instant. Actually, I was thinking of apologizing many days prior to the party. But as I have said, pride always gets in the way; which led me to turn my back and offer peace to Sir Apun, Yssa and Ms. Yhel who were all sitting at my back side. I never expected that as I turn to face the stage, there was Jef looking back at me. So, there I went, without second thoughts, I tapped his arm a few times to express my apology. He was right there leaving me smiles of accommodation. But, something told me that a tap was not enough.
Both of us need a hug. And so we did. Without words that caused the misunderstanding. It was an EMBRACE of each other's flaws, each other's miscommunication, each other's misunderstanding, each other's acceptance of each other's apology.
* Jef, thank you for the renewal of friendship.
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