Help Me Leave Behind Some Reasons to be Missed

I’m here because not all teachers are teaching, some are editors.

It’s a totally new environment; a 9-5 desk job, which for the most time, I seem to take preference in, an unfamiliar chartered jargon that I still have to get used to, working with co-introverts and dealing with their set lifestyles as if seeing a reflection of my own before you let me experience a little spontaneity.

I must say, there are a great deal of men workers here, which ironically remind me of you because none of them, and I say this in combined pride and frustration that still no one can compare to your Prince of Persia-like handsomeness.

 

I wished that we talked lengthily that night, not like what happened that night-pressured and rushed. But, I guess, this is the best that I can do. This is the best that we can do for now. This is the best that we can think of to do for now. This is the best kind of effort that we can only think we can do for each other. 

I want to apologize for being out of touch.

I have been re-assessing myself lately. I have been thinking about us a lot, all our moments (everything in it, but mostly, the happy spontaneous ones). I thought our relationship is the kind that can survive anything and can last our lifetimes.

 

…This distance has given me a lot of clarity.

That last year, honestly, I can barely breathe, let alone, think. It’s like I did things so spontaneous, I did not even have enough time to think like I merely do things because you want me to. I can’t say that I wasn’t happy then, because I was to the point of elation. But I felt like my happiness back then is superficial. Lately, I did realize that relationship with you was self-serving to your interest and whim.  

 

The sadness this distance has brought me time to think and breathe- breathe on my own terms.

Before I left you from where you are, you said some things that I try not to hear, (that I still couldn’t get a clear grasp of) but now, I think you were right, if a relationship can't move forward, it withers.

I’ve been waiting for you to decide, but sometimes not making a decision is making a decision.

All I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to worry about me. I’m good! I’m really good. And honestly, I think it’s better this way.

PS.

What stopped me?

I don’t know. A lot of things.

Devotion to my work, loyalty to my dreams.

Any regrets?

It’s beyond my control.

Really?

I didn’t say the relationship was over.

I didn’t have to. Not making a decision was my decision.

 Most relationships are over before they end. But it’s still a death. You mourn the loss and have conflicting emotions, but often times there’s a sense of relief.   

 

Still Loving Angels Instead

March 2, 2014

 

It started on that MOA trip we had, and by we, I mean, you and I and Joan and my sister, Melody. You told us to accompany you to buy clothes for your High School outing. We were there by the avenue, trying to hail a jeep, when I felt it. I felt a separation. You and Joan were talking about school. Both of you were mentioning names that I sure know too. You were talking about topics about school, of the clubs, of the students, of my former bosses, who are still your bosses.

I know the topics of conversation and the people involved in the conversation that’s why I was not out of place. But there’s something about that night that made me so gloomy and despondent. What made me feel out of place was the feeling that the topics and people no longer concern me. Or I should say, the topics and the people are the very things I am letting go, I’ve wanted to let go.

That whole scenario made me feel like I no longer belong with you and your companionship. I felt like I can’t butt in to the conversation because it’s still your world in which I already left.

 

They say that the ancient Vedic medicine believes that anger causes insomnia, but I am not insomniac, I even have many good night sleep. I wake up in the morning fine and ready. So, I pondered, I am not angry or was angry at you. I remember when Collie and I would talk about you, I cannot say, “eh galit ako sa kanya”, but I often would say, “eh may sama ng loob or galit-galitan” which means that my mind itself lexically commands my oral cavity not to say, “galit ako sa kanya” simply because I am not angry at you. I was not angry.

And the ancient Vedic medicine believes that sadness causes reflection. So, I guess, I was sad. With these months of isolation away from you, I came to many realizations about our relationship.

I came to realize that I was loving and giving you more than the rest of the people who love me unconditionally and that you don’t deserve to be loved by me that much because it will be unfair for the rest of people who love me unconditionally for me not to love them equally.

I realized that I loved you more than my own brothers. I loved you more than my family, more than my own mother. I even loved you more than myself, yet, when I got away, you keep on reminding me how “kulang” our bond is.

With these months of isolation away from you, I came to acknowledge my sadness. I feel sad. I am sad because I really have to accept the reality that both of us are leading separate lives now. We no longer do things together, do things almost at the same pace, at the same time, laugh at the same jokes, buy and eat the same food, talk about the same topics.

 

As much as I want to turn back time just to be happy again being with you, I can’t retract the past. If this is any consolation, sadness let me ponder that you are a big part of my beautiful, spontaneous and happy but short-lived past that I can only now bring back through my constant reminiscence and once in a while storytelling.

Our separation made me realized that as I acknowledge my sadness toward our failed relationship, I came know that I have to love myself more first because after all- love heals.   

Humbled

I now knew what happened.

I was neglected, taken for granted, and unappreciated. I was trained to feel that I was a mediocre. And that whatever I do, I would always end as a good for nothing subordinate. 

So I felt worthless, down, degraded. It was my need. It is my need to feel appreciated. I need to feel that I belong and that even if I fail, I can always make up for it and redeem myself. And that they are not God and that they are not perfect because whatever they do they can never be God simply because they are not God. They are just humans, just like me, concealing behind the blinding shroud.

So I realized that it is within my nature to satisfy my own needs which were taken away from me by people who themselves have their own inadequacies, losses and frustrations of their own which by now, they made manifest and hold against their subordinates.

That’s why I believe in Plato in saying that Kings must be Philosophers too. By this he meant that those who hold the position up there, must be whole in every aspect of their humanity, otherwise, they will constantly look for their own inadequacies to their subordinates which I think would create a domino effect in a truly destructive way.

I dreamt and prayed to God that He will provide me with a new job which would give me experiences, a different one. And soon enough, He did. God truly never fails me. And as the saying goes, “when it rains, it pours.” Surprisingly, I got into a very relaxed job. I felt loved and appreciated sincerely by my unassuming boss. From our interview, I already felt like worthy of the task and duty at hand of the job I still have to win the spot for. I felt and heard the fruits of my hard earned labor studying for masters. I have known my rate and it was already quite big time for me. I never knew just until then what I already have and what I can do and what I can still offer as an employee until I resigned. I pondered that resignation from the job must be really done. God really sees everything, which I mean, everything-the past, present, and the future. 

The blessings just kept on pouring and pouring that I can’t even hold them with both hands I can only embrace them. Wealth, Prestige and Happiness was mine. I cannot contain them. I’m just filled with gratitude for all of it.

And as I cannot control the outpour of graces, admittedly I became boastful and too proud. I owned the blessings. It wasn’t mine in the first place to take. I just realized now, that the blessings were given to me by God, because it was mine to give.

And so He took it away from me that abruptly. He got me taken by surprise, totally.

Knight in Shining Armor

         (Susubukan ko lang mag-character sketch ngayon, or kung isang character sketch nga ba ang matatawag dito.) 

Hindi ko masasabing matagal na kaming magkakilala. Sa totoo lang, masasabi ko na, parang, ngayon pa lang ang simula na kilalanin ko siya, sa kabila ng katotohanan na matagal-tagal na rin kaming magkatrabaho. 

Mabait siya, matangkad at matalino, at higit sa lahat, may sense at humor. Di hamak na pasok ang qualifications niya sa standards ko. Pero, siya iyong tipo ng lalaki na igagalang ko forever. Hindi ko siya pagpapantasyahan at pag-iisipan ng malisya. Siya ang tunay na gentleman. Siya ang tipo ng lalaki na pagbubuksan ka ng pinto kung magkakasabay kayo at pauunahin ka sa pagpasok. Hindi kagaya ng iba diyan na sadyang mapagpanggap. Mapapansin at mararamdaman mo ang kanyang sincerity sa kanyang gentlemanly gesture. 

Sa manaka-nakang pagkakataon na nakakapag-usap kami, alam kong nakikinig siya. No matter how shallow my topics were, he listened. Mapapansin mo iyon sa feedbacks na galing sa kanya. And I came to know, that he is understanding too. To quote him, "lahat ng mga nangayayari sa mundo may dahilan." He speaks like a true science person, very rational.

Many people think of him as weird for they cannot understand his kind of weirdness. At times, I saw him sitting on the ground and asked if he's fine and simply replied that he's just "feeling the ground", probably it's coldness and silence, literally and metaphorically.

I kind of understand him for I am a literature major. I was trained to be "humanized" in everything that's happening in the universe. For every film that we are assigned to critique, we were trained to see a difference that layman cannot see. For every change in history and culture and language, we were trained to be critical and give rational and artful explanation from elitists view to mere stupidity.


I bet he is the type of person who hugs a century old narra tree, if ever there still exists such in the belief that old trees absorb a person's negative energy.

He is very observant and knows his people more than they know themselves. In his reserved and selective personality he never gets enemies and rarely gets angry. He knows how to handle and manage people, though he is not a people person. His laughter is classy. And he dresses sleekly and with a sense of fashion comparable to that of an elite though humbly he came from the humble home of Laguna.

Sexist men would often mistake him as 'closeted' but I dare say to them that he is as masculine as they are or even better of a straight man than they are. Women love him for his genuine gentlemanliness, politeness and cleanest of intent.

He takes his time for he owns his time. He plans his life for he knows what he wants and makes the necessary effort to achieve it. 

Most importantly, he never forgets his spirituality. He knows his faith and is faithful to his God despite the fact of him being a science person.  


-para kay Sir Ed.

Another Epiphany on my Unfallen Angel

The solution is distance and time.

Ancient Vedic Medicine believes that anger causes insomnia but I have been sleeping many good night sleep since that fateful night of what I would like to call ‘annoyance’ in your sudden change of routine until now. Ancient Vedic medicine also tells that sadness causes oversleeping, thus, I am sad.

Sadness causes me to reflect, add to it also the circumstance of having this distance and time away from you. Epiphany dawned on me. At first, every idea, every perspective is pessimistic. I curse the shortness of our happy times. I dread the coming of Tuesdays and isolate myself from ‘rampa’ and ‘gala’ that exceed 11pm for surely the time will definitely remind me of you regardless of whomever the people I’m with and that I find it unfair for them for me to be with them and think of another person-a person who’s physically absent. I blame the forced situation. I blame my crooked decision-making. I blame my plans of holding too much to my career path and I hold responsible my (multiple disorder/bipolar) personality. I really felt like a querida, begging for your time. I felt like a whore, being used. That I was just a convenient means to your ends. I am just a convenient means to your ends keeps repeating on my head, it’s no longer music.

Well, that sucks- big time, like an old rusty dagger to my heart, which brought about tetanus, which made it difficult for my defences to heal me. Some of those months, I was filled with negativity and I came to a point that I almost gave up on you thinking that the world is too big to ignore and that the universe will still give me plenty of angels, and that you are just a speck in the universe. That I don’t need you and that it’s ok not to care for you and not to wish you well.  

But the solution is distance and time.

Cliché as it may say, but time heals all wounds, no matter how our distance and time away from each other seems like forever to me. Self-preservation became my key. Selfishness, the love for myself, healed me though slow and gradual. In baby steps, I did.

 

Like a new vampire, I am newly born bringing back to my conscious mind a surge of memories, weird as it is- all the happy memories- our happy memories.

Hence, I really think that I’m not that heartless after all. That slew of ‘annoyance’, because I do not want to call it anger, was drowned by the happy memories.

Seeing a person eating leche flan or dropping by Goldilocks and seeing Brazo de Mercedez or buying Chocolate sundae with crushed oreo or cream-o or sipping milk tea by chance reminded me of our happy times.

Hearing Michael Buble’s, Everthing or 2012 or Moves like Jagger reminded me of how excited we were to see you dance and how good-looking you are, with all humility and arrogance at the same time.

Seeing every Starbucks, even Roxas Boulevard, the seaside, and harbour Square, and most of all KFC.

 No more forsaking. Suddenly, I remember to hold on to the commitment I made with myself to be a friend to you no matter what the future circumstances will be.

Suddenly, I remember to hold on to the thought that I should keep you as my lifetime friend because you were a good friend back then and that we had that connection when you helped me move forward- and that I owe you that-big time.

Still, I'm a good student, you know. And I can say, that after these realizations, you are still a good mentor. You taught me how to let go- big time. And fortunately, the thing that you taught me also became the armor I will use to bring back the ties that bond us. I learned that I should not let go of everything we had. Yes, I know the happy memories will no longer be Tuesdays or over 11pm because distance and time made us grow and mature. That’s why I hope and wish and pray for us to continue having those happy memories. Let’s continue making new ones.