Still Loving Angels Instead

March 2, 2014

 

It started on that MOA trip we had, and by we, I mean, you and I and Joan and my sister, Melody. You told us to accompany you to buy clothes for your High School outing. We were there by the avenue, trying to hail a jeep, when I felt it. I felt a separation. You and Joan were talking about school. Both of you were mentioning names that I sure know too. You were talking about topics about school, of the clubs, of the students, of my former bosses, who are still your bosses.

I know the topics of conversation and the people involved in the conversation that’s why I was not out of place. But there’s something about that night that made me so gloomy and despondent. What made me feel out of place was the feeling that the topics and people no longer concern me. Or I should say, the topics and the people are the very things I am letting go, I’ve wanted to let go.

That whole scenario made me feel like I no longer belong with you and your companionship. I felt like I can’t butt in to the conversation because it’s still your world in which I already left.

 

They say that the ancient Vedic medicine believes that anger causes insomnia, but I am not insomniac, I even have many good night sleep. I wake up in the morning fine and ready. So, I pondered, I am not angry or was angry at you. I remember when Collie and I would talk about you, I cannot say, “eh galit ako sa kanya”, but I often would say, “eh may sama ng loob or galit-galitan” which means that my mind itself lexically commands my oral cavity not to say, “galit ako sa kanya” simply because I am not angry at you. I was not angry.

And the ancient Vedic medicine believes that sadness causes reflection. So, I guess, I was sad. With these months of isolation away from you, I came to many realizations about our relationship.

I came to realize that I was loving and giving you more than the rest of the people who love me unconditionally and that you don’t deserve to be loved by me that much because it will be unfair for the rest of people who love me unconditionally for me not to love them equally.

I realized that I loved you more than my own brothers. I loved you more than my family, more than my own mother. I even loved you more than myself, yet, when I got away, you keep on reminding me how “kulang” our bond is.

With these months of isolation away from you, I came to acknowledge my sadness. I feel sad. I am sad because I really have to accept the reality that both of us are leading separate lives now. We no longer do things together, do things almost at the same pace, at the same time, laugh at the same jokes, buy and eat the same food, talk about the same topics.

 

As much as I want to turn back time just to be happy again being with you, I can’t retract the past. If this is any consolation, sadness let me ponder that you are a big part of my beautiful, spontaneous and happy but short-lived past that I can only now bring back through my constant reminiscence and once in a while storytelling.

Our separation made me realized that as I acknowledge my sadness toward our failed relationship, I came know that I have to love myself more first because after all- love heals.