Another Epiphany on my Unfallen Angel

The solution is distance and time.

Ancient Vedic Medicine believes that anger causes insomnia but I have been sleeping many good night sleep since that fateful night of what I would like to call ‘annoyance’ in your sudden change of routine until now. Ancient Vedic medicine also tells that sadness causes oversleeping, thus, I am sad.

Sadness causes me to reflect, add to it also the circumstance of having this distance and time away from you. Epiphany dawned on me. At first, every idea, every perspective is pessimistic. I curse the shortness of our happy times. I dread the coming of Tuesdays and isolate myself from ‘rampa’ and ‘gala’ that exceed 11pm for surely the time will definitely remind me of you regardless of whomever the people I’m with and that I find it unfair for them for me to be with them and think of another person-a person who’s physically absent. I blame the forced situation. I blame my crooked decision-making. I blame my plans of holding too much to my career path and I hold responsible my (multiple disorder/bipolar) personality. I really felt like a querida, begging for your time. I felt like a whore, being used. That I was just a convenient means to your ends. I am just a convenient means to your ends keeps repeating on my head, it’s no longer music.

Well, that sucks- big time, like an old rusty dagger to my heart, which brought about tetanus, which made it difficult for my defences to heal me. Some of those months, I was filled with negativity and I came to a point that I almost gave up on you thinking that the world is too big to ignore and that the universe will still give me plenty of angels, and that you are just a speck in the universe. That I don’t need you and that it’s ok not to care for you and not to wish you well.  

But the solution is distance and time.

Cliché as it may say, but time heals all wounds, no matter how our distance and time away from each other seems like forever to me. Self-preservation became my key. Selfishness, the love for myself, healed me though slow and gradual. In baby steps, I did.

 

Like a new vampire, I am newly born bringing back to my conscious mind a surge of memories, weird as it is- all the happy memories- our happy memories.

Hence, I really think that I’m not that heartless after all. That slew of ‘annoyance’, because I do not want to call it anger, was drowned by the happy memories.

Seeing a person eating leche flan or dropping by Goldilocks and seeing Brazo de Mercedez or buying Chocolate sundae with crushed oreo or cream-o or sipping milk tea by chance reminded me of our happy times.

Hearing Michael Buble’s, Everthing or 2012 or Moves like Jagger reminded me of how excited we were to see you dance and how good-looking you are, with all humility and arrogance at the same time.

Seeing every Starbucks, even Roxas Boulevard, the seaside, and harbour Square, and most of all KFC.

 No more forsaking. Suddenly, I remember to hold on to the commitment I made with myself to be a friend to you no matter what the future circumstances will be.

Suddenly, I remember to hold on to the thought that I should keep you as my lifetime friend because you were a good friend back then and that we had that connection when you helped me move forward- and that I owe you that-big time.

Still, I'm a good student, you know. And I can say, that after these realizations, you are still a good mentor. You taught me how to let go- big time. And fortunately, the thing that you taught me also became the armor I will use to bring back the ties that bond us. I learned that I should not let go of everything we had. Yes, I know the happy memories will no longer be Tuesdays or over 11pm because distance and time made us grow and mature. That’s why I hope and wish and pray for us to continue having those happy memories. Let’s continue making new ones.