Renewal of Friendship

             According to Sigmund Freud, a person under pain, stress or pressure undergoes defense mechanism dependent to each person's situation. I would have to say, my psychology chose escape and silence whenever I'm under pain. As much as I can, I try to understand people; that we have different personalities and different ways of looking at things. So, in order for me to get along in life, I have to be flexible. However, I always believe that I cannot expect other people to act, do and much more decide like the way that I do. 

          

              Whenever people hurt me, verbally, fortunately, so far, and when my mind can no longer put an understanding to the conflict; my mind chose to escape- my defense mechanism. I think of the person who has hurt me a non-existent; an apparition I deny myself to see. I avoid interaction. I avoid contact. Because, I feel that the more I interact, the more I made contact with that person, the more I'm hurt. This is how I see myself. This is how I understand myself. This defense mechanism is my barometer of measuring if a person has hurt me. That's why if I am talking to someone, that means I'm okay with them. But if I don't talk at all or treat the person as a non-existent, then I know for myself that I was hurt by that person. 

                  

                  I never intended to do this escapism and silent mode to people. But, it's just who and how I am. That is my personality. As much as possible I do not want to hurt people. I'm not the confrontational type. I don't just say frankly everything. It's not being "plastic", it's just that I can't say it. So, instead of saying bad things to people, my behavior chose to be silent, to escape, and to avoid them. Until such time, (usually I don't know when) that I finally feel I'm ready, I go back to that person and face the conflict. This is me.

                       Getting acquainted with different people (family, friends, strangers) led me to choose who to keep, who to care for, and who to love for life. There are those people (strangers and acquaintances) no matter how grave they hurt me, I just let it pass. It doesn't affect me. But those people (family and friends), who mean a lot to a person of sentimental heart, when they have hurt me, I release my defense mechanism to them.

                              And that's what happened to Jef and I. 

                         Ayoko nang alalahanin kung ano, paano, saan, kailan, at higit sa lahat bakit ko narelease sa kanya ang defense mechanism. My defense mechanism shed light into the conflict. Jef is already someone my psychology considers no longer a stranger but a friend to keep. He is already someone to care for and to love for life. I was thinking, pareho kaming ma-pride, that's why no one is willing to give in.

                           But I guess, Paulo Coelho was right all along when he said that if the universe will conspire, the stars will align, no matter how people try to avoid each other, fate will do its job and make them meet. 

                                  And that's what happened to Jef and I. 

                       I never expected that after that "performance", he'd be sitting to my seat, which left me sitting at the chair beside "my chair", behind him. I never expected that there would be the Prayer Service and it would have that "Peace be with you." Was it fate who worked on us? On my mind, I really wanted to make amends to him that instant. Actually, I was thinking of apologizing many days prior to the party. But as I have said, pride always gets in the way; which led me to turn my back and offer peace to Sir Apun, Yssa and Ms. Yhel who were all sitting at my back side. I never expected that as I turn to face the stage, there was Jef looking back at me. So, there I went, without second thoughts, I tapped his arm a few times to express my apology. He was right there leaving me smiles of accommodation. But, something told me that a tap was not enough. 

                Both of us need a hug. And so we did. Without words that caused the misunderstanding. It was an EMBRACE of each other's flaws, each other's miscommunication, each other's misunderstanding, each other's acceptance of each other's apology. 

* Jef, thank you for the renewal of friendship.

                

                        

                           

Mas Maigi pa ang Matulog

sa panahon ngayon
mas maigi pa 
ang matulog
malamig
kaysa saksihan 
ang kislap ng mga bituin sa langit tuwing gabi


masarap nga naman 
ang pagtulog
tuwing Disyembre
ayos!


matutulog ako
paraan ko ito
upang itulog ang diwa
maging ang puso


ukol sa tunay na nararamdaman
ukol sa tunay na naiisip
ukol sa tunay na estado
ukol sa tunay at hindi tunay


nais ko na lang na
patuloy na matulog
itulog ang isip
itulog ang puso

itigil ang isip

itigil ang puso

sa kalituhan

sa tuwing 

gising na gising 

ang diwa

at puso

 

itulog ang isip

itulog ang puso

upang 

mapagkamali ng isip

at malito ang puso

na ang lamig

ay sanhi ng panahon

at hindi ng pagkabigo.

* alay kay Bb. Portales, na nagbigay daan para maisulat ang tulang ito hango sa mga kwentuhan natin tuwing gabi

Never Again

will I allow yours
    
to see my eyes
as transparent as the bare
glass window in the morning sun
welcoming you for the day ahead


to set my eyes before yours
as patient as the
Leaning Tower of Pisa
can endure


will I permit mine
to glance
to look
to stare
on your eyes
whether you are
looking
glancing
or staring back
whether yours is the first one to
glance
look
stare


never again
no more
short change

Tila isang Pulang Rosas

Tila isang pulang rosas
na puno ng tinik
na pinilit mong
ibinigay sa bukas kong palad

ang malaki mong palad
ang siyang kumuyom sa rosas
na nagresulta sa pagpatak
ng di mo mawari
kung dugo
o
pinigang pulang rosas
o
luha

Badtrip na ang mga blog ko

             Ilang buwan na rin akong nagsusulat dito sa blog. Iyong mga una kong blog masasabi ko sa sarili ko na may sense na may kasama pang humor. Nakakatawa pa iyong mga una kong blog. May humor. Langya. Hindi gaya ngayon, malulungkot na ang mga blog ko. Wala na ang humor, minsan pa nga walang kwenta. Langya naman kasi lumalayo na ang inspiration ko. Hindi na ako makapagsulat ng mga bagay na ikakatuwa ko mismo. Pero, hindi. Hindi ko hahayaan na tumagal ang kawalangyaan na ito. Kailangan ko maibalik ang dating gana ko sa pagsusulat, 'yung nakakatawa ulit, 'yung may kwenta ulit. Kailangan ko na makahanap uli ng Adonis ko. Adonis ko, nasaan ka na?

Divine Intervention on Love

            After three weeks na makapasa kami sa LET ni Collie at Isaiah bumalik kami sa Sta. Clara Church sa Quezon City for thanksgiving. We are neither religious nor devoted Christians, but we somehow have that inkling that we owe Sta. Clara and God for the divine intervention for allowing us to pass the exam, that's why we felt the urge to come back. Bumalik kami to say thank you iyon lang naman. Pero hindi lang pala ganon iyon, kapag babalik ka pala doon pwede ka pa pala magbigay ng iba namang intention through offering eggs which you can avail just outside of the church. Regardless, kung pineperahan lang kami ng mga egg vendors or it's just some form of ritualistic act for devotees, dahil masaya lang kami ng araw na iyon, because we are now licensed teachers, we bought eggs.

              Ice and Collie bought for reasons I already forgot. I bought eggs for lovelife, just for the sake of fun, yung red pa nga ang cellophane na pambalot. Then, after buying, you will go inside the church and fill out a paper with your personal intentions. As I enter the church, iyong kaninang fun feeling napalitan ng serious atmosphere. Hindi na joke time ang lahat. So, sineryoso ko na talaga iyong intention letter. What I did was actually a letter and it goes like this:

Dear Sta. Clara,

          I am NOT asking you to send me that someone or that special man to be in my life. All I am asking is that you would give me the COURAGE to ACCEPT the REALITIES OF LIFE.  Give me moments in my life where I can be courageous enough to admit to myself that yes, I can love. For until then, if I will be able to accept the cruel and confusing reality then I know for sure that I am ready for love. 

        Siguro idealist din talaga ako in a way kaya mahirap para sa akin na matanggap ko na usual lang talaga ang break-up, ang annulment, ang legal separation, ang divorce, na may mga lovers lang talaga na “nawawala” na lang ang love sa isa’t isa, na may kalokohan talaga ang mga lalaki, na may naloloko at nagpapaloko, na kapag "in love" ang laki talaga ng probability na mabaliw ka, gumawa ng mga decisions na hindi naman tama, at least ideally.   


            So, we went home carrying with me the thought na baka mabilis tuparin ni Sta. Clara ang intention ko, kaya parang bigla na lang ako naging observant sa mga nakikilala ko. Iniisip ko everytime na baka sa kanila nakatago iyong moments. Until there came such a time that I forgot my intention, siguro kasi ilang buwan na rin ang nakalipas, at hindi na rin naman masyadong big deal ang pagkapasa namin sa LET kaya nakalimutan ko na ang ginawa naming pagbalik sa Sta. Clara. 


               Suddenly, today, I realized na iyong mga tao pala na nasa buhay ko ngayon, ginawa pala silang "instrument" ni Sta. Clara for my preparation for love. That after all these months after that thanksgiving, Sta. Clara did grant my intentions. Oo nga, she did not give me a special man, for I did not ask for it. But, she did give me moments of realization.


               Those moments made me realize na kung gusto ko talaga iprepare ang sarili ko para sa romantic love eh dapat pala handa akong masaktan, that it's either I will be the one to give the heartbreak or it will be the other way around (although, medically, there's no such term as "heartbreak" for the heart is not like a bone that breaks, a heart is a muscle, it can only be crushed, so, heart crush, hehe). Dapat I am willing to lose someone. And this is a dialogue from the series, Bones.


When you love someone,
you open yourself up to suffering, that's the sad truth.
Maybe they'll break your heart,
maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. That's the burden.
Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us, burdens which allows us to fly.


               Iniisip ko pa naman na whoever will be my "man" I plan to make him my "guinea pig". I will make him part of my experiment because I wanted to prove the quote, "The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love and be loved in return. " Wala pa man akong special man, pero parang nakapag-experiment na rin ako. Natuto ako. 


*para kay Collie at Yssa (sa aking new-found friend), salamat sa pakikinig, kahit paulit-ulit na

A Letter to the Boy of My Familiar

         I guess you wonder why I wrote to you, thinking that I could just talk to you, face to face, eye to eye of whatever. I guess, I chose to write because our work has given us no time, even a few minutes for a talk, I mean, a serious one. Our work has not given me the chance to talk with you and express my perspective of some things that I would say occurred just between the two of us, o sige, isama na natin si Collie. 

          So, I was being hopeful here, that in the event that out of some circumstance, you would, have a few minute, much more a chance to read this and not to make a comment but rather I appeal that you would reply, not in a spoken manner, but as also in the form of writing for I don't think I am ready for a face to face encounter. I am hoping you would take the time to say whatever. I would gladly appreciate if you would.

              How should I begin? I believe relationships occur if people have the same dreams. With these dreams, they travel the same road. Regardless of the fact that we started out from two different roads, because you brought yourself at SMA, while I was brought by Collie. But I'd like to tell you that it was still my decision to be where I am now. I would say that like you, I also brought myself at SMA. Our roads, though they may seem parallel at first, still diverged, intersected. 

            I thought, we had that relationship- a friendship I must say. I thought I found a new friend in you. I thought we are dreaming dreams. Well, not exactly the same dreams, but I thought we wish well each other. But, now, I don't know. I just want to tell you that after all these months of being acquainted with you, as Ms. Yhel said, "I thought you are my friend." I don't know. I just had that emotional awkward feeling after the IFP sharing session. I really felt like a piece of crap being thrown away. Which a friend would never make the other friend feel that. I felt, you are giving me away. 

               Hindi ako nagpapapigil. Hindi. I just thought that  I could get some compassion from you, since we already told you about the "hurt" that Bubbles brought to us. I thought you already experienced na mahirap maghanap ng trabaho. I thought alam mo na masakit para sa amin na iwan kayo dahil hindi naman kayo ang dahilan ng pag-alis namin.  

                I thought this almost two years of working together was enough for you to be a sincere friend, like I am to you. I guess, I thought wrong. Is it really that difficult to earn your trust? Ano pa bang kailangan kong gawin? I may never know how fleeting it feels to be appreciated by Bubbles for he never have done that to me. So, I guess, I may never understand your actions. But, I'm trying my best to care for you, to understand you. 

          So, I hoped that you could just have that compassion, or sensitivity or even a little sympathy towards my pain, even to Collie, no matter how apathetic she is.          

              Are we just mere personnel here? Are we not friends? Because all this time, I thought we are? Iniisip ko tuloy, siguro kung may mangyayari sa aking masama, you won't even bother to care. I am not asking you to always look after me. We both know that I can take care of myself. All I'm asking is for you to care- be a friend, my friend. Is it too much to ask? 

            Isa pa, minsan ang weird mo. Minsan okay tayo, minsan naman may "awkward" moments. There are times that magkakatinginan tayo na para kang may gustong sabihin. Kakulangan ba sa oras talaga ang dahilan? Hindi ko alam kung dapat din ba ako sisihin dito. May nagawa ba ako? Kung meron, ano iyon? Para kang nahihiya sa akin. Nahihiya ka sa isang kaibigan. There are times you make me feel like a stranger! Nakakalito ka!! Nakakalito 'yung actions mo! Alam ko na alam mong ayokong nalilito. That's why I wish to understand what's happening to us. Although, at one end, I will not be able to totally understand you because of gender differences, but at least, if you will shed some light into this, no matter, how slow learner I am, I will understand. I will do my best not to escape.  

                                                                                                                                            Sincerely,

                                                                                                                                           

Here's the Thing

             I'm the kind of person, whose every day life should, must, and always has an objective, a goal to achieve, a plan. But aside from that side of me, I always welcome accidents. It may appear ironic, but hey! life, as they say, is ironic in itself. I may freak out at times and panic, because my plans will be ruined by these accidents, but hey, again, it's my defense mechanism working. Freaking out and panicking makes me feel alive. It's my body's way of recovering from stress and changes. I'd be dead if I will not feel anything if I'm hurt or got shocked or much more surprise from the dynamism of life. That would be pitiful. Regardless of it all, I still welcome those diversions. I believe that it's God's way of telling me that my plans should not be my plans in the first place. That I should make a left turn. That what I first believe to be right maybe wrong. That maybe, it's God's way of telling me that my plans are not good for me, that I might be in trouble if I would still stick to my plans. That it would not be safe for me. 

              I welcome accidents. This is the main reason or I would have to say that this is the only reason for most of my life-changing decisions. I am afraid of many things yes, but in the event that I really feel that God wants me to deviate from my plans, I suddenly became courageous. I become decisive. I became calm and faithful. That's why, I applied at St. Mary's, even though, I was just waiting for the training at an editing office. Because I felt that God wanted me to be here, to work here, to grow here. Regardless of the fact that yes, Collie did brought me to this school.  And working at SMA wasn't included in my plan. I never planned it. But as I came to realize, I think that God used Collie as His instrument for my epiphany that SMA is my place and not some editing office at Makati. Collie and I were not that close back in college! Yes, we were friends, as I'd like to assume back then, but not that close. And there she was and texted me to apply for a teaching position. 

                   Regardless of whoever brought me at SMA, out of some fate, faith, or mere coincidence, IT WAS A DECISION I MADE WHOLEHEARTEDLY. I CHOSE for myself to be at SMA. I could have declined Collie's offer. I could have ignored the vacant spot. But, I DID NOT. Whether it be out of some divine intervention, I am now working at SMA and I BROUGHT MYSELF IN HERE.
                    Regrets, I had a few. But, I regretted the decisions I made according to my plan. I would have to say that so far, in my life, I have not yet regretted the decisions I made out of the accidents that come along my way. Life has its own way of surprising me, and if I was surprised, I am joyful. Why would I regret a decision that brought me to my happiness? 
                     Which led me to thinking that according to my plan, 4 years ago, I should take my resignation from a private school after two years of work. That was the plan. According to the plan, two years is enough to gain experience and that I should serve the public school system. 
                     So, I'm almost done with my two years of experience, is it time? I don't know. I have not yet felt any intervention from God. Should I wait a little bit more for God's message? As far as I can remember, Collie's "intervention" came just when everything seemed to be final between me and the editing firm. Should I really wait of whether to finally go or to still stay or am I running out of time to go? Questions. Doubts. Confusions. However, it seems to me that my co-teachers are cool with my resignation if ever.  I don't feel any STRONG sense of holding me back. They don't seem to want to stop me. Or I guess, I just sounded not too serious about it, although I am.    

Kuya Bernie and his Missions Around the World

             One of my personal goals in life is to travel the world. I want to get to know people and their culture, much more to study them. Besides, like what I always tell myself, "The world is too big to ignore." I used to think that one good way to travel the world is to be an interpreter of languages. That was one of the reasons why I took Linguistics for my masters, aside from the thought of creating literacy materials for Filipino indigenous people, me, being an advocate of learning. Another way, din pala to start traveling the world is to do missionary works, like the chosen vocation of Kuya Bernie. I envy him. At his young age, he was able to travel to Thailand, Cambodia, Hongkong, and Vietnam, and counting.  

               Collie, Ice and I welcomed Kuya Bernie on one of his pagbabalik-bayan all because of his pasalubong, hahaha. So, Kuya Bernie shared to us his journey, then, in Cambodia and Vietnam. He shared his taste of their food, the treatment of their locales, and practically, their belief system. Finally, he made this simple realization. He said that along his journeys, he learned that people travel and go to different places merely just to change the things that they see. I guess, he said this, out of the thought that he traveled mainly because of doing missions. Missionary works entail selfless attitude and beliefs. It brings charity and love. I used to think that I would travel countries to study. I never thought of working abroad because I love my country, the Philippines, so much that I would not want other countries to profit out of my skills and intelligence. Such a selfish way of thinking. It never occurred to me that people travel to see different sights, different people, different cultures just for the sake of experience. Somehow, like a vacation way. During my conversations with Kuya Bernie, I realized that  money is not and should be a problem if a person wishes to travel the world. With faith, fate, and a hopeful desire to help or even lend other people your small hand are enough fuel to take you to places. They will be your ticket to travel the world. 

Across my Peripheral Vision

Across my Peripheral Vision
I sense the way of your eyes
towards me
that awkward feeling
dare me to take a look
at the direction
of the look of your eyes


True enough,
You are looking at me.
one thousand one
one thousand two
one thousand three passed
No.
You are staring at me.
Me staring at you.
As a response to the power of the moment
You and I 
ended up
Staring with each other.

Nanay Rosita

             I'm not that good with dates, but what I'm somehow good at is in connecting dates with events that happened on that very date.
              
              That's why, I guess, I will never forget March 22, 2010.
            
              It was a day before my graduation.
God knows. Everyone knows how happy and excited I am to finally graduate from college. I worked hard for it, hell yeah! I make it a point that every moment of it was captured- from filing of graduation application to graduation picture, gradball, yearbook. Captured. Hindi pa man dumarating ang March 23, super excited na ako. I was happy, actually, overwhelmed.
 

            Until March 22 came. It was our baccalaureate mass. I scheduled myself to leave home by 10am to reach PNU just in time for the brief practice. Mama went at the market for her usual errand and returned home just before I was about to leave but brought with her a news that changed my celebratory atmosphere.

              Nanay Rosita passed away. I couldn't cry. I was shocked and speechless. Time is running out. It's almost ten o'clock. I had to leave home. Yes, I had to leave. I had to.
As I boarded the bus to Manila, I couldn't think. Frankly, I do not want to think. That day, I was happy. I kept telling myself. This is a happy day.
 

            Until I reached BPS 101, I saw there my classmates getting ready for our practice. This is a happy day, I really kept telling myself. Until tears fell down my eyes. I cannot help it. I cannot control my tears not to be seen by my classmates. Soon enough, they knew. Some of them said their condolences, the others apathetically, said, it's life's natural course. Anyway, Nanay was 76 years old. Come to think of it, the average life expectancy rate of Filipinos is 65. Nanay was somehow fortunate enough to withstand many years after that I heard her doctor once said.
 

          I am a good student- not to brag about it. I crave for learning so much especially cognitive knowledge. I  love history. I wanted so much to know whatever happened then. That's why, I was very excited every time Nanay would tell me of her first hand experiences during  World War II. Nanay was born on 1932, (I guess?!) she was almost 13 years old then. She would tell me how she and Lolo Dadar would carry the bilao of bananas to the Poblacion in Quezon province and be halted to a stop by Japanese soldiers. She was not scared, she would always say, because she was very young then- brave and innocent.

She would tell me how they ran in all directions to escape the bombs released by kamikaze planes. She would jokingly narrate how her male neighbor slumped himself into an open pit of mud to cheat death covering his face and body with mud and tae ng kalabaw (carabao manure). And then I would laugh out of grossness. She said, they would hide in the silong, and their kasama sa bahay would ask her to close her eyes so as for her not to be traumatized by the horrors of war. But she said, stubborn as she was, would not close her eyes and would look at how the planes collide with each other and eventually burn and explode in the sky. Then I asked her about comfort women. She said that fortunate in their area not to have those kinds of abuse. Nanay, together with the rest of the women living there were left not abused. It was a fascination every time Nanay would tell her stories. For me, the stories are not bluff. Creative as they may sound, but they are real for me.
 

            Nanay would tell her stories to us- her many grandchildren, every time we spend our holidays at home, being the introvert grandchildren that we are. But, as far as I can recall, I was the only one who would listen to her and remember her stories (no bragging intended.) Whether out of personal fascination or pity or just out of filial piety, I listened. Those storytelling time became my bonding moments with Nanay Rosita.
       

            Well, I can proudly say na laki ako sa lola. Maybe that's why, may soft spot sa puso ko ang mga matatanda. My family has been on an extended family concept on paternally ever since. Nanay was a witness to my growth (to onsets of puberty- struggles with menstruations and all.) Nanay told me tips on household chores, not to prepare me for marriage but simply to save myself, so I can cook for myself, so I can survive in this concrete jungle. Nanay taught me how to properly clean the fish (tilapia.) Nanay taught me how to cook rice and reminded me to leave the measuring cup inside the bigas (uncooked rice) dispenser always full with bigas so that our family will not get hungry. Nanay told me various pamahiin- of the tikbalang and the spirits. 
 

          My relatives said, I'm Nanay Rosita's favorite granddaughter.  Kaya daw kapag may pagkain at nasa school pa ako, ibibilin daw niya, "Oh, tirhan si Red para makatikim naman ng kinain natin." Ako, naman, pag-uwi ko, I'm that innocent child na since tinirhan ako ng pagkain, kahit ano pa man iyon, eh, matutuwa na ako, kakain lang ako. I was not aware that Nanay Rosita was behind that spare food for me. I never felt any jealousy or envy on the part of my cousins. They're just cool with it because somehow they know that I'm a good girl and perhaps, I deserve Nanay Rosita's affection too.
 

                 Wala pa man ang graduation day, I already foresee that my life will change. Yes, my life did change. Right after my graduation, my life changed.

There were no longer World War II stories. There were no longer reminders of the pamahiins. I no longer have my Home Economics teacher. On my graduation day,  I became my own teacher.  

Paliwanag

Bakit? tanong mo. 

Maging ako ay hindi alam. Ewan ko. May mga ginagawa ka kasi, mga non-verbal na nababasa ko sa ibang perspective. Kapag inoobserbahan naman kita kapag kasama mo ang ibang tao, parang sa pakiwari ko ay hindi ka naman ganoon sa kanina. Iba ka makitungo sa kanila at iba ka rin sa akin. Marahil nga pinagpapalagay ko na dahil may nabuo ng foundation of friendship kaya naging at ease tayo sa isa’t isa, isama pa doon ang katotohanan na pareho tayong malaya sa maraming bagay. Walang hadlang. At dahil doon ay nabasag ang aking wall of vulnerability. Kaya siguro ganon. 

Sa tanong mong bakit, siguro ay dahil natakot ako na masanay sa iyong kabaitan. Dahil sa bawat araw na gumagawa ka ng kabaitan sa akin ay nabibigyan ko iyon ng ibang kahulugan. Siguro ay dahil natakot ako na baka ako ay mali. Na baka mali ang pagkabasa ko sa “implied messages”. Na baka wala naman talagang implied messages in the first place. Na ganon ka lang talaga. Gentleman, kind, generous. That your non-verbal gestures are just your mere show of your kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness, and sweetness. Na pinalaki ka lang talaga ng tama at mabuti ng mga magulang mo. Marahil ay natakot ako na mawala ang friendship na isa sa core values ko. 

Kaya ‘yun. Pinili ng utak ko na mag-iba ng perspective. Tutal dahil wala namang nangyayari, at baka nga mabait ka lang talaga. Sa isang banda, nakapanghihinayang. Nakakainis!!! mukhang kasalanan ko na naman ang lahat gaya ng mga ginawa ko na sa iba. Pero patuloy pa rin akong naniniwala na kahit anuman ang gawin kong iwas sa'yo if the stars will be aligned, and if the universe will conspire, magkikita't magkikita pa rin tayo. Magkakasama pa rin tayo. Magkaka-usap pa rin tayo. Kung mangyayari man ang pagsasabwatan ng langit at lupa ay wala na akong magagawa. Kung tayo, tayo. Hindi na natin kailangan na mag-exert ng too much effort. 


*Reditz, hay:-( ang iyo nga namang buhay pag-ibig. 

Late na ba ako?!?

                Bakit ganon kahit chocolate hindi na ako mapaligaya, kahit extra rice sa isang nakakagutom na araw, hindi na rin, kahit malamig na ice cream sa gitna ng October heat, kahit na chickenjoy na may kasamang extra gravy, kahit na paggamit ng malaking kutchara sa pagkain hindi na rin. Iniisip ko pa naman na ako ang tipo ng tao na madali lang mapaligaya, na sadyang mababaw lang ang kaligayahan, na kahit anumang bagay at pangyayari ay maiisipan ko ng dahilan upang aking ikaligaya. Pero, sadyang hindi.  

                       Bakit kaya?!? 

                  Dahil ba ikaw ang siya kong ligaya na sa bawat araw na ginawa ng Diyos ay unti-unti nang lumalayo sa akin. Ikaw nga ang ligaya ko na waring malamig na hangin na dumaan sa aking piling, masarap sa damdamin. Na waring isang hangin na unti unti nang napapalitan ng alinsangan, masakit na sa damdamin. Magkagayonpaman ay ngayon ay nananabik. Pilit na inaalala ang mga sandali na naging maligaya akong kasama ka. Pilit ko mang itanggi, pilit ko mang iwaksi sa puso at isip, sadyang hindi. Parang hindi makapantay ang tamis ng chocolate ang bigat sa tiyan ng extra rice, ang lamig na dulot ng ice cream, ang chickenjoy at extra gravy, maging ang malaking kutsara sa ligayang naidulot mo sa akin. Kagaya nga ng nasabi ko na, madali lang naman ako mapaligaya. Pareho nating alam na nadadala na agad ako  sa ating mga simpleng tawanan at biruan. Sapat na iyon. Ligaya na sa akin ang ating panaka-nakang diskusyunan at palitan ng kuro-kuro. Ngunit patuloy mo akong hindi pinagtitiwalaan at lumalayo na sa akin. Kaya wala nang saysay ang anumang tamis ng chocolate, ang anumang busog na dulot ng sarap ng chickenmeal kahit pa may gamit na malaking kutsara. Lahat ay mag-aanyong hangin na ang tanging layunin lamang ay buhayin ang aking katawang nananabik sa iyong piling. Walang kwenta ang buhay na walang ligaya. 

                      Late na ba ako?! Huli na ba upang itama ko ang mga nagawang pagkakamali sa iyo, sa atin. Pilit pa rin bang haharangin ng tadhana ang ating muling pagsasama. Hahayaan ko na lang ba mangyari ang lahat? Hahayaan mo na lang rin ba na mangyari ang lahat? Huli na ba para sa atin ang lahat?!?

No Other Woman

             I just finished watching with my roommates, Joyce and Joan of the movie, No Other Woman. Honestly, I really don't feel like watching the movie. As a litt major, I felt like I already knew the ending of the movie, considering that it is a Filipino made movie, I assumed it has a happy ending, which it did, which did not in any way surprised me at all. Of course, the title itself tells us of the revolving conflict of wife vs. mistress, and husband being that weak one submits to the "power" of the other woman. 

            Taking literature aside, personally, I realized that "real" men ought to be "matatag". I realized na ang mga lalaki lang na "matatag" ang may kakayahan na tunay na maging loyal sa kanilang partner. If men are weak, they can easily submit themselves to temptations, to lies, much more to sex, which led me to thinking that it is really hard to be a "real" men in this world. There are emotions he cannot show, much more had to hide from people. Sabi nga ng character ni Christopher de Leon  sa asawa niyang character ni Vilma Santos sa Dekada 70, "akala mo lang kayo lang mga babae ang nahihirapan, nahihirapan din kami, mahirap din maging lalaki, masyadong maraming mga emosyon na itinatago lang dito (sabay lagay ng palad sa puso niya)'. 
              What do I mean by "matatag"? Loyal is a man with a strong "matatag" moral principles. Hindi naman sa nagpapa-righteous, but loyal is a man who does not joke on women, marriage, fidelity, much more on love. Loyal is a man who can stand up with these moral principles. I guess, personal morality goes with genetics. How you were raised as a kid determines your known principles. Loyal is a man with a strong faith in his God. A man with a strong faith is a good man. He will not hurt his woman and himself. He will stand with the vow that he had uttered to his woman and to God and that marriage is not just a mere slip of his tongue. He will not submit into temptation. Man can be a risk taker, yes, but if he has strong faith, he will still end up choosing the right way. He will stay away from temptation for he knows that it will ruin everything, his life, his marriage, his love. Iiwas siya dahil alam niya na sa umpisa lang masaya ang paggawa ng kalokohan. 
                        Matatag ang isang lalaking hindi uhaw sa sex. Matatag ang isang lalaki, if he knows how to take care of his woman, and puts it into action, each and every day. Matatag ang isang lalaki, if he knows how to make her woman happy, and puts it into action and not the other way around. Sabi nga ni father, sa isang retreat na pinuntahan ko, sa isang "matatag na romantic relationship" ang kaligayahan dapat ng lalaki is to see his woman happy.    

                 

DRAWING

               Ever since I was a child, or should I say, since I entered school, I suddenly had that gut feel that I do not have the talent to draw. That it will never be my forte. What I could only do is to just put colors to already drawn objects. What is worst is that most of the time, the colors are unmatched with one another. Lines are crooked. Circles became oblongs. It's still a  great fascination for me how people can draw and they draw really good. I sometimes wondered how my classmates back then were able to think to color the hair yellow or the skin pink or flesh, when in fact what I know is that the hair is only black and the skin is brown. 

            I then came to see myself as a person who can draw  but had to put words to my drawings. My supposedly “drawings” should at least deserve an “explanation” of how and why I draw them through my words. I somehow realized that people might misinterpret my drawings. They might critic my drawings in a way that my drawings should not be dealt that way. My words in my drawings are my way of justification, since I cannot draw a good deal, I will write. 

        Since then, I barely and rarely draw. But, if I would, out of some unforeseen circumstances, I would really exert the effort, would try to do my best, that despite my supposed “undeveloped” multiple intelligence, will draw a masterpiece.

Then, I came to realize that drawing is really not my cup of tea. It is really not. I really cannot draw. People will never understand my drawings, therefore, I will not draw for people. And I came also to mystify those people who can draw, much more I salute those people who can draw abstract, without words, because they were able to justify themselves, the way they are, by their drawings. Then I came to watch art shows, and they seem to tell me of the domineering power of those people who can draw while others cannot and will not.  

It's still a wonder to me how can people draw a masterpiece by starting with mere lines, eloquently, straight forward lines. Lines that indicate direction, a path leading up to somewhere. Then, from those eloquently said lines, they begin to create polygons. Shapes that would later on reveal themselves as a masterpiece, an art. Then, an artist will showcase his drawings to a person who will try their best to interpret it. Good thing, if that person is an artist too, to read between those lines. Unfortunately, if that person is not an artist, then that person will have a hard time decoding those lines. That person might misinterpret those lines of the artist. It will only lead to miscommunication. The path of those lines of the artist that should lead on to somewhere, now, leads to nowhere. And if that person tries to tell the artist about the interpretation, the artist then will tell the person his own interpretation of the masterpiece. Then, there will be a clash of interpretations between the artist and the supposed critic.  

Dati-rati ( Ibang Yugto)

            Parang alam ko na kung bakit, kung ano ang dahilan ng mga panlalamig at pagkayamot at patuloy na pagtatanong sa kahulugan ng buhay. Ang matinding dahilan: namimiss namin ang "last school year". Last school year kasi, kahit papaano may kahit isang teacher man lang sa faculty na naiiwanan namin ng pera para ibili kami ng lunch namin kay manang. Andun 'yung tipong nagkakagulo pa kami kung anong bibilhing ulam at kung bibili ba ng extra rice o hindi. Di gaya ngayon na may kaagaw na si manang sa mga suki niya. Ngayon, kanya-kanya na kaming bili. Bihira na mangyari ngayon ang tanungan ng "Oh, may lunch ka na? may munggo ngayon si manang?" 

               Tsaka parang ngayon naiintindihan ko na rin kahit papaano ang nararamdaman ni Jef na kalituhan ng isip. Parang malinaw na sa akin ang scenario. Kung titingnan kasi, lahat kami na kasama ni Jef sa English Area sa Faculty 2, ako, si Collie, si Ms. Dasco, maging sila Ms. Yhel at Yssa, lahat kami may bagong nangyayari this school year. Ako at si Ms. Dasco naging single prep, si Collie naging adviser at double prep na hindi naman namin ginawa last school year, at syempre bago ang lahat para kila Ms. Yhel at Yssa. Kung titingnan natin si Jef lang ang nanatili sa kanyang position, club moderator, same club, adviser, double prep at nanatiling isa lang ang hawak na third year. Lahat kami na kasama niya sa English bago ang pagtingin namin sa mga bagay-bagay this school year, pero sa lagay ni Jef, what he did last school year, he's just repeating it this year. Kaya nga siguro nang "mag-open" siya ng "existential dilemma" niya sa akin ay hindi ko siya maintindihan, hindi ko siya ma-penetrate, feeling ko bumaba 'yung level of compassion ko, hindi ako maka-relate, hindi ako makapag-empathize kasi hindi ko nararanasan 'yung nangyayari sa kanya this school year. At ganun din naman siya, hindi din siya maka-relate sa nararamdaman kong "tuwa" sa pagharap sa trabaho this school year dahil bago ang tingin namin (ako, collie, Ms. Dasco, Ms. Yhel, at Yssa) at siya dati na. Kaya nga din siguro "unconsciously" may mga "tasks" siyang ginagawa na parang "first time" lang niya gagawin this school where in fact, nagawa na niya 'yun dati pa.  

             Kahit papaano parang naiintindihan ko na. Naiintindihan ko na siya. Pero hanggang dun na lang ba natatapos ang lahat, hanggang sa pag-intindi na lang? Magiging huli na kaya ang lahat para sa samahan kung hahayaan ko na lang na pabayaan namin ang isa't isa na parang wala na kaming "care"?Hahayaan ko na lang ba na sa ganito magtapos ang lahat?

* para sa mga iniwan ni Viel (kasama na ako doon), I believe that we can no longer turn back to last school year. What we have is "the now", the present time, present "moments", present "family". All we can do is to live in the present for we are in the present.  

Dati-rati

        Hindi na kami gaya ng dati. Basta, may iba na sa amin, may nagbago. 

       Tumamlay na ang dating malambing na mga biruan. Bihira na rin mangyari ang mga kiskisan ng mga braso sa mga hindi sinasadyang tulak ng tadhana na magkatabi. Mabibilang na rin lang sa daliri ang mga pagsasabihan ng "sweet nothings" for no apparent reason. Iba na kami ngayon. 

       Hindi lang sa kanya ang kasalanan. Marahil ako muna ang dapat sisihin. Ako ang unang nagbago. Hindi na ako tulad ng dati. Kung magbabalik tanaw nga ako mapagtatanto ko na ako ang unang umiwas. Masyado kong iniisip ang "uncertain future" at masyadong pinag-aaksayahan ng panahon ang pag-iwas sa "crossing the bridge" kaya iniwasan ko siya. Ako ang nagsimulang umiwas. Ako ang may kasalanan. Marahil ay nadama niya ang aking masidhing pagnanais na iligtas ang aking sarili mula sa sakit ng pagkabigo at pagkatanga, kaya nagbago na din siya. Nag-iba na ang pakikitungo niya sa akin. Wala siyang kasalanan. Tumugon lang siya sa bugso ng "aura" ko na umabot sa kanya at nadama niya. Umiiwas na siya. At eto na nga ang simula ng aming paglayo sa isa't isa. Masakit pala. Hindi ko na tuloy alam kung ano ang mas masakit, ang ginagawa kong pag-iwas o ang ganitong lumalayong agwat namin sa isa't isa. Parang hindi ko na mapaghiwalay kung alin. Mahirap din naman para sa akin na ako ang unang kumilos, hindi naman sa ayokong ma-reject, pero mahirap ma-reject, mahirap mapahiya, mahirap maging "assuming". Ako ang babae.  

        Sa isang banda, isang magandang paraan din pala ito para ihanda ko na ang aking sarili sa nalalapit kong pag-alis. Siguro, mas mahirap para sa akin, mas masakit kung darating ako sa punto na hahanapin ko sa ibang tao ang mga ugali niya. Dahil isang katotohanan na nag-iisa lang siya kahit na marami namang iba, kahit na marami pang iba. Pero sa isang banda nagpapasalamat na din ako sa kanya na kahit papaano, kahit sa pamamagitan ng mga biruan, mga palihim na sulyap, mga lambingan at simpleng pag-aalala ay iiwanan niya ako ng magagandang alaala na sa aking "photographic memory bank" ay mananatiling naka-impok- mananatili-siya at ang kanyang mga alaala.  

*Salamat, Mr. Gentleman, I guess, it's high time for me to move on... move forward.

Perhaps, I Don't Know

I was having my lunch with Jef, a rare occasion for both of us, nowadays, since circumstances led us both to the "busy" side of work, he had his usual tasks and I had my "raket"which led us both to take parallel lines of lives, simply put, we rarely meet. We sat by the entrance steps of CLLL building, while eating because we are waiting for Venj to ask him for some insights about our classroom research. It turned out, since I would have to say, that Venj is an authority to many things, he was able to give insights not just about the research, but to Jef's existential dilemma. Perhaps, I'm still a Martian, or should I say, a Venetian to the male specie, which is very rightly that time has permitted Jef to meet Venj that lunchtime for some tips on finding meaning in life. Perhaps, Venj had been there, done that. He already took some time off, off to work, off to family, off to the world he is so used to. He took some time off to contemplate, to think and rethink and just be with himself. I guess, all people need that despite multiculturalism, the concepts of cooperation and collaboration and community. We all need to have time on our own. Yes, no man is an island, but, perhaps, people will encounter moments in their life that they need to take a break from people, from noise, from distractions, from mere thinking.

Looking back on the film (and novel), Eat Pray Love, they say that Italian people have the concept of “Doing Nothing”. Italians allot a day in their life to do nothing. Like a time-out from the routine of life. If we adopt our fellow Asian countries’ culture, and they invade us by storm, why don’t we try to immerse ourselves with this Italian concept? Perhaps, we would be better workers, better thinkers, better individuals if we allow ourselves to inner monologues and soliloquy. That’s why perhaps, we, Filipinos don't know what we are looking for, much more where we are heading for. Perhaps, we don't know why we're here and why do we keep on doing these things?

Perhaps, this is what Jef needs. He needs a long overdue time out from the exhaust of life’s strife. Perhaps, it would do him good. It would energize him. I don't know for I haven't done it unlike Venj. What I did was only to escape that's why I am where I am now. I am an escapist. That's why, that long overdue break keeps on haunting me until now because I avoided it. So, I guess if a person feels like having a break then get it. You owe yourself to listen to whatever your mind and heart tell you and a person can never listen unless there is tranquility within.  

*to dzEf, I hope and will continue to pray that you will find your muse that will give you the driving force again to find happiness in your life despite the darkness looming over the world, and most of all, like what Kung-Fu Panda said, "Find your inner peace".

How to Entertain yourself when it's Brownout

Top Ten Ways:


1. Read a Book

             Grab a novel, a magazine, or any reading material in your house and start reading it. Take advantage of the daylight. Try to read the novel you haven't finished reading for a long time before it gets yellowed in the shelf because you have already forgotten about it because of works you do at home when there is power.

2. Play with gadgets.

             Use your gadgets whatever they maybe, laptops, cellphones, mp4 until they ran out of battery wishing that by the time your gadget runs out of battery there is power already.

3. Eat.

            Munch on anything stored in your fridge before it spoils because of power shortage. Take all the your time in the world in chewing. Embrace the moment of the food rubbing against your mouth, tongue, and teeth. Remember, you are not in a hurry. 

4. Sleep

            After eating, get SOME sleep. Nothing beats an uninterrupted eight-hours of sleep. You are also helping yourself fully absorb the food you just ate. If you can't sleep, because you've just woke up from a goodnight sleep, then force yourself to sleep. There is nothing much you can do, so might as well bridge the gap between you and sleep deprivation.

5. Play instruments.

             Good thing if you have musical instruments in your house. Use them. Play them. Much better, sing if you have the voice. If you are not that gifted, just play with them. It doesn't matter whether it's guitar with lost strings, violin, or flute.

6. Chat

            Do storytelling with your house mates. Talk with them about the past, present, and the future. Tell them out of this world stories. Create a family tree image to them of your own family through your stories. Make them talk their stories too. Now, is your chance to get to know them. 

7. Sing

           Sing songs of love and life, even if you don't know exactly the lyrics. Sings songs about the rain, about the flood, about the wind, or of the flying roofs around your vicinity. Invent new lyrics, compose new rhythm.  

8. Stare at the Ceiling.

           Look, glance, stare at the ceiling. Imagine moving shadows you never thought ever existed in the ceiling. Compose a story with those shadows as characters then scare those people in your house of shadows that will suddenly disappear the moment the lights come out. 

9. Think of Dreams 

             Think and rethink of your dreams. Utilize the time to contemplate. Think of your dreams forgotten and lost. Think of those wishes you want to materialize. Plan ahead.  

10. Curse/ Thank

              Curse/ Thank God for the conflict-man versus nature. Regardless of the fact that the situation is determined, express all your angst to the wind that blew hard on the fuse that made the transformer explode causing the flow of current to stop or simply just romanticize the whole situation. Nobody will care for they know that you will return to your normal self once the power is back. 

Woman of the Year

She
Mythologized
uniting for once,
even for just once:
Red and Yellow
Blue and Green
Left and Right
For and Against
In death, they say, there is life
Forever,
she- a heroine.



Alay kay Pangulong Corazon Aquino

Synaesthesia

By the Lamp Post

Lonely and alone is she
the icy air licks her carefully made-up face
disgusted
the stench of urine pierces from her within

Escape
the intense will to avoid the devouring music
of the booming sound system of the house

Life
screaming, soundless
like the flickering light
her intense will to survive

Love
heart beats
veins stab her meaningless life

Once Mine

Your arms were once mine
I used to hold on, so tenderly

Your shoulders were once mine
I used to lean and shed tears to

Your silky hair was once mine
I used to run my fingers to

Your brown eyes were once mine
I used to stare on to

Your soft hands were once mine
I used to bump and rub on to

Your cherry lips were once mine
I used to linger a steal kiss on to

Is your mind still mine?
If it's now set to think of her.
Is your heart still mine?
If it's now beating for her.

November 3, 2008 at PNU

            It was the first day of 2nd sem class. How I wish, it wasn't because my mind was still trapped in the sembreak mode. I wasn't able to reach Ma'am Jen's African Litt class, but it's okay, since it's the first day. I thought I was the only one late, so I stayed outside the classroom, but Ivy arrived 15-minutes later than I am. We were both shy and ashamed to still go inside the room, so we looked for a vacant space at CLLL to kill time. I shared my woes in life to Ivy. I feel comfortable talking to Ivy, I think she is matured enough to understand where I'm coming from. I told her of my dilemma to continue my studies or to work and how I made it still to enroll. I was able to enroll despite the mishap all because of Ice and Ma'am Jen's help. 
            Litt Teaching is my first subject I attended for the day. It was Monte. She uttered a quote during the discussion that got stuck onto my mind. She said, and I quote her, "if you feel weak and discouraged do not look into the dark path of the tunnel, instead look at the end of the tunnel and into the bright light that awaits you." This served as my motivation because I really felt tired of studying, of thinking (academically, financially), but then I realized since I'm still alive, why not keep striving.   

Ideal Man

Marami ang nag-aakala na crush ko si Sir Rod. Well, siguro nga, but not entirely. Si Sir Rod kasi ang ideal man. Actually, he is a husband material (well, he is already a husband). ‘Ano bang qualities ng isang ideal man? Una, mabait, generally sa kahit sinong tao. Maloko pero hindi bastos sa tao, especially sa babae. He is responsible and most importantly, he has the sense of responsibility, the initiative. Siya ‘yung may option A, option B, option C. He has plans for his family, especially for his children. He already knows what to do with his children’s future. If you will get to know Sir Rod, you will know that he’s loyal to his partner and his very serious in keeping his family together, strong and happy. Fidelity runs through his blood. You will not hear from him the “bastos and maloko ways of the men” towards their partner or to other “sexy, hot”women. Yes, he has admired “hot” women celebrities and has been vocal about it. But, that’s just it. You have not heard any past rumors and as of this time, no rumors still of infidelity. He loves his wife and his children and he takes care of them. That’s why, he makes it a point to see to it that he finishes his work early, so that he could go home and be with his family. Nakatutuwa lang talaga isipin that I am a witness to this miracle, that in this very rude and realistic world of sexism, machismo and misplaced pride, there exist an ideal man. Personally, I find it disappointing to still look for an ideal man in this world. Looking for an ideal man nowadays, is like finding a needle in a haystalk, very difficult and frustrating, heartbreaking. That’s why, for me, it’s really a sigh of relief to get to know Sir Rod.            

I suddenly remember Sir Galutera, another ideal man. Perhaps, I will never forget their moment (with Mrs. Galutera) at the Retreat House. The last day of the retreat was their wedding anniversary, 15 years, if I’m not mistaken. Very early in the morning, 7am was the call time for breakfast. Most of us gathered outside around 6:30 while waiting for breakfast for some bonding time. Mrs. Galutera was with us outside. When a taxi stopped by, and apparently, Mr. Galutera went down the car with a beautiful and quite expensive looking bouquet of flowers. It obviously did not look like the flowers for the mass offering. So, everyone was whispering, “Ay, bakit may flowers? Anong meron?” Then Sir Galutera went to his wife, gave the bouquet to her, kissed her and told her “Happy Anniversay”. To witness that very sweet moment was a foreshadowing of more sweet moments that came during the day. Little did we know, the retreat priest arranged a renewal of vows for the couple.  Before the retreat ends, they had their renewal of vows. It was my first time to witness one epiphanic event. I’ve seen renewals of vows of celebrities in television but, I think nothing beats a first-hand experience. The couple was not emotional, they were just happy, actually joyous is the perfect term, a spiritual form of happiness. Everyone was emotional. Joan and I who were standing beside each other were teary eyed. It was a perfect moment to end a spiritual journey each of us just had. Parang lahat kami ay kaisa nila sa kaligayahan. Walang pumigil. Lahat Masaya.  

Sir Rod and Sir Galutera are my living proof that men can do it. They can. They can be loyal with only one woman and one woman only forever.  They can be committed and still be happy with their decision. Ang tunay na lalaki marunong manindigan. They can be responsible. They can be sweet despite their masculinity. They can and will love and take care. They can. It’s really refreshing to know that ideal men do exist. They give me hope that somewhere, at some time, in the near future, I will also meet my own ideal man and get to know him, and as reciprocation, I, too, despite my many flaws can and will also be his only  ideal woman.