May 17,2011- Youth first, then Love, finally Life.

Dear Journal,

                I just wanted to tell you how I came up with my outlook in life now.

I guess, with the conditions I had when I was a child made me who I am now-an idealistic woman. Why do I find it difficult to accept unexpected pregnancies, babies out of wedlock?

 I believe that as a woman, you owe to yourself to take care of yourself. If in case, you are a woman who is committed to a romantic relationship you must somehow have a grasp if your partner is a sexist or what. As a woman, you must be able to discern if your partner is one who is easily aroused by mere visual image of a woman. I’m not saying that committed people should not engage in sex. If both of them felt like doing it, at a particular day and time, then, so be it. It’s just that for me, if men would always say ”na nabibitin sila kung may suot na condom ”, I believe as a woman, you owe yourself to preserve yourself. “Eh, di ikaw bilang babae, protect yourself, use contraceptives, use pills” As a woman, you should, and must not depend on men, or your partner, for your own protection. You must protect yourself because you solely hold yourself. Kaya, truly, magalit na ang magalit sa akin, but I believe that getting pregnant outside marriage and contraceptives is truly a lapse in judgment. I mean, tao ang mga babae, at bilang tao we are given by God the brain and the conscious mind to think. We are not created as jelly fish. Fortunately for jelly fish they somehow know when to shy away from the net considering the fact that they do not have brains. Pardon my word, but I believe that stupidity runs in a woman who gets herself pregnant at this modern day and age where cheap condoms and other contraceptives are available.

I’m thinking I started to have this perspective on life, sex, relationship, and child-bearing the night Cathy made the shocking announcement. Then, ate nini got pregnant too. Then, Ivy soon follows their roster of women getting pregnant. And then the most recent is Viel. Honestly, I do not cry for these women, which I think most of my friends would assume. In fact, I cry for their babies. In the first place, what made me decide to leave my family? The very reason is that I cannot tolerate the situation. It is just way too much for me to bear. It pains me whenever I hear the newborn baby cry- my nephew. My turning point is that one night, I heard Jacob cry, and suddenly there was a gush of flash forwards. Jacob already graduated from high school and much as he would like to go to college, he cannot, his parents cannot, which in whatever way you look is a right of every child-the right to education. This is the very same reason; I had my two-year “civil war” with Papa. I find it difficult to accept the fact that my father who I see as the strong one cannot bring me to college, his own daughter, that I know he knew is what I love most-to study. It pains my heart to hear the baby cry. It’s heartbreaking. Parents should be the one to show to their children that life on earth is beautiful. But how can it be beautiful if everything started as a mistake, as a lapse in judgment? Good for those women who were able to redeem themselves from their past mistake. But what if you got succumb to your damnation? The setback is that the partners are not the only ones to have the problem; they have their child, who is growing and growing in a continuous manner- a human being.  

*pasintabi sa mga babaeng pinagsabay timbangin ang puso at isip